Welcome to my blog, my thoughts, my feelings, everything I wanted to say but couldn't say it to the one person who walked into my life, showed me what unconditional love and friendship was. And it has never been the same.
These are My Letters to Joe.
I wished on the moon For something I never knew Wished on the moon For more than I ever knew A sweeter rose, a softer sky ... On april days that would not dance away
I begged on the stars To throw me a beam or two Wished on the stars And asked for a dream or two I looked for every loveliness It all came true I wished on the moon for you
There is a museum near where I work and I pass by it frequently, always thinking of you and your love of planes.
So while on a jaunt up to see some friends this morning... I shot a few pics of what I could get from the outside of the fence.
I haven't inquired if this is a public museum (assuming so) or not. Even so, I couldn't go in there without you.
It just wouldn't feel right.
Anyway, here are the pics. I am sure you have probably already been there or knew about the place, thought I would share.
*this one reminded me of you because of that star thingy symbol*
Never knew Snoopy had his own airport... it is right next door.
Lately I have been having these weird dreams over and over again. Same theme, different people and places, but with always the same answer.
I can't remember who it was (a former teacher I think) that told me if someone tells you the same thing 3 times consistently, then take it to be truth. I don't know how much merit to give that but in my dreams the past few nights, I absolutely believe it in this case.
Basically it boiled down to me dreaming of being somewhere, with someone I knew (at least seemed to have "known" who they were in my dreams), that kept trying to come on to and make the moves on me.
Each and every time I said "No" and pushed them away. When asked why not?, I always replied because you are not Joe. I love him, not you.
At that point is usually where the dream ends and I wake up. Usually in tears... and irritated that these "people" that are invading my REM cycles aren't listening to me telling them "No".
I pray that it will be you there in my dream one night. Even if it's just once.
Please be there. Because I will be there waiting for you.
I'm not sure what all of this means entirely with the obvious that I miss you terribly and still am very much in love with you. I just had a shitty way of showing it in the past.
Again, this is something I have apologized profusely for to you, as well as continuously beaten myself up over it for years now.
I am trying to "loosen up the noose around my neck" in regards to this, but it's not an easy process. I hope one day I will get there.
On an unrelated note... I saw a Semi Truck on the freeway yesterday on my way home with a giant Oregon Duck's mascot Duck Head on the back of it... I smiled and thought of you.
While visiting my Grandparents last week, once again, memories of you popped up in the most unlikely places...
A Bird House hanging in the yard. Something that you would have given me.
and inside their enclosed porch... a vast collection of Gnomes.
At that point I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. So I just smiled to myself and snapped a few pics.
Believe me there were A LOT more but I think you get the picture. Apparently my Grandparents have a thing for Garden Gnomes as well.
It's amazing at the reminders I am surrounded by every day of you.
Did I mention I live by an Airport?... while it's not an AFB, the memory still remains the same.
What you are seeing here is my team board in the works... Black Rails on a Pink board with White accents.
This shit is Bananas... B A N A N A S *think Gwen Stefani just then*
This is a new brochure for the latest Chick Sticks line up. I am going to have to add the "Rock Star" paint job on my next board the "Lolita Loca" (not yet unveiled)
The model board I have is the "Vixen".
Fitting lol ;)
Anyway, I just thought I would share that random tidbit with you. I hope you are doing well and I miss you.
I just about died when I saw this online today. It reminded me of the time you did just that at your mom's place and you allowed me to take a photo of you doing it.
Though you asked me not to share it, which I never did. But damn that was funny. I can almost picture it in my head right now.
All day today I had been reminded of you... This first thing I find in my PO Box this morning was this:
Of course this did put a smile on my face for a few moments today.
Then I just got a pic sent to me from my sponsor of my custom surf board in the works... At first glance it looks innocuous. That you are looking at the laminates for my new board.
Upon closer inspection, I found you.
I asked if I could get one of those planes glassed onto the tail of my board, but they happen to be a logo for another Surf Board Company (unknown to me) so I couldn't have one.
When asked why I wanted that, I explained that it reminded me of someone that meant the world to me, retired from the Air Force, that is now a beautiful memory.
While going through boxes last weekend, I found a hat that I had got for you a while back. I meant to send it out and never did. I don't know why that was, maybe I wanted to hang onto it a little longer.. No idea.
This morning I had decided to part with it and send it on to you so there will be a box coming for you any day now.
Earlier today at work, at a most random time I was reminded of you. Almost to the point I couldn't breathe.
And if anyone was to find this funny, it would be YOU.
The 6 Star Wars Movie Marathon I had participated in with you did come in handy today as there was a discussion as to the origins of a particular quote that was used and who had said it.
Well it was the line "This had better work!" in which if memory (laughable) serves me correctly the Tarkin guy said that to Darth Vader? At least that is what I had said in correction to it being cited as Darth Vader saying it.
I'm fairly certain that someone is going to correct me tomorrow when I get to work, but at that moment, I got a sharp pain from a memory of you. Star Wars... How could I not be reminded??
So for the rest of the afternoon spent in the lab, I had to listen to 3 engineering geeks duke it out as to which Star Wars movie was the best and everything in between.
It was a bittersweet day as I do remember SOME of those movies... and that we spent the day in your living room watching all 6.
Too bad Life didn't have a rewind button... I would have done it all over again.
Surprisingly enough I had found a bunch of full length Disney movies on YouTube... of course I had chosen this as my first pick to view. Even above and before Alice in Wonderland.
True Story.
I remembered my first attempt at playing the "Drinking game" with you for this movie.. but the best memory was you walking around the house banging the coconuts together.
Years ago my mom gave me a jewelry box that my "sperm donor" had made her, filled with various pieces of jewelry. One of those pieces happened to be a Mizpah Coin
*see above pic*
I loved the tradition of keeping one half and giving the other half to your beloved. For years I had contemplated as to who would get the other half of the coin... Every one falling short of something I hold in high regard.
Through the years and many household moves, I have lost most of that jewelry including my precious Mizpah Coin. But have since figured out who would have been the worthy recipient.
It was you all along.
You have the other half of my heart, the other half of my smile, the other half of my coin.
For those "tuning back in" to this blog, earlier I had posted a rather long description of the nature and scope of my writings, exposing my jugular to the world so to speak.
It had come to my attention that Joe had since moved on, so I had taken it down as to not disrespect his new relationship, his new life moving forward.
I know if I was the girlfriend, I would not be pleased to see something like this and wouldn't want to have to explain all of that to her. So I erased that post because I couldn't figure out how to erase the entire blog.
Technology is not one of my strong suits and I'm OK with that actually.
Maybe it wasn't time for this blog to disappear... seeing as I still have so much to say even though we don't speak anymore.
I sat down and thought about it and decided that I will pick up where I left off and not try to "delete" my past but to move forward with it myself. Mistakes and all.
No one, not even Joe, has to read this but it makes me feel a bit better to get my thoughts and feelings out even if it is just me spilling my guts into a great giant Internet void.
I'll take it.
With that, Here I am once again.
Dear Joe,
This post comes to you with mixed emotions. I am truly happy that you finally found the one for you. Of all the people I have met, you are the one that deserves all the love and happiness one could fit into a lifetime or more.
However, it gives me great sadness that you have moved on... Even through all the bullshit that happened, I still carried a torch and hope that one day things would work out, that we would reunite, and live happily ever after.
Of course I did not think that it would play out just like that, It couldn't. Not with how everything happened. That's just nuts. I may dream big, but I'm not a total idiot.
I miss my Best Friend, I miss the inside jokes, I miss the completing of each other's sentences or thoughts we both shared. I miss your laugh, I miss your smile. I miss taking day trips to SF and taking pictures off the back of your bike, I miss your love, but most of all I miss You.
With my limited memory (I swear I have early onset of Alzheimer's), there are things that I remember clearly. Random events that seem to be on continuous loop in my mind.
I keep coming back to a time when we were riding back from SF on your bike at night and at some point you reached back and put your hand on my left leg, I don't know why but when I think of that, I get teary eyed. I don't know why, but that meant a lot to me.
No words spoken (not that I could hear much of anything through a helmet at 65 mph), but just a touch. I guess sometimes that is all it takes.
The "Viking Funeral" that almost happened... I love telling that story to people. The looks that are given are priceless. Probably not as much as the look that must have been on my face when I had touched the sink in the boat and inquired if it was supposed to be "Hot"?
lol... wowza! Just damn glad that we got to where we needed to be in 1 piece and not "cooked bait".
The Halloween Bash at "Aura" where you went as a Storm Trooper. You leave for 10 minutes to do some costume repairs, left your helmet behind, and people were lining up to take pics with it... Unreal!
I just kept telling them to sit tight and wait for the rest of the costume to arrive, where you were regaled to having your pic taken with probably half the club.
It was cute :)
* I actually went as "Slave Leia" one year for Halloween at what used to be "Aura" and I cant remember what it is called now. Wasn't the same without you*
The day we spent watching all 6 Star Wars movies because I had never seen one in my life. Somehow I avoided watching those for 30+ years but seeing as you were such (and assuming still very much are) a fan of the franchise, I had to oblige.
Every trip to Disneyland where we rode "Peter Pan's Flight" as the customary first ride. The first time taking you there was probably THE BEST TRIP EVER because the looks on your face were impeccable. A true appreciation for all things Disney. Awesome.
Being such a great sport about me taking silly pics of you wearing all those different character hats, specific places in the park, and sitting in the very front seat on Splash Mountain for your first time there... getting SOAKED
The first time we dined at The Blue Bayou where they got the name wrong and called me "Jill Bishop"
*I still have that card, have to scrapbook it at some point*
Playing the "Pirate" themed game of Life in the hotel room after we got back from the park at night.
Although I can't remember who won those games... I'm guessing you did.
The moment we both looked at each other after eyeing the swans at the castle and speaking in unison, "Stop Looking at me Swan!"
Yep, we were fabulous.
Teaching me how to shoot and get over my fear of guns. I haven't picked up a gun ever since, but it was a valuable lesson to me. Still a bit scared of them if you want to know the truth.
Seeing as a Zombie Apocalypse is no where in sight, or no interest in the "Thug Life", I won't be needing to utilize this anytime soon.
Driving the John Deere on your mom's property, and of course the John Deere store.. I knew I should have taken that tri cycle home!
The safari park where I was taking a bazillion pics and you filmed the infamous "Yak"
Your finest moment.
The time I somehow fell out of bed at your house and landing in front of my door. I remember opening my eyes wondering why and how hell am I on the floor? how did I get here? and you on the other side trying to get in... Still unsure of what happened there as I don't sleep walk.
Maybe I had to get to the restroom.. who knows. First day with my new legs I guess and decided that the middle of the night in the dark was prime time to check them out.
Oh and to give you a heart attack in the process.
Watching a marathon of "Little Britain"...
"Eehh Eehh Eehhhh!"
After all, I did watch 6 Star Wars movies in a row with you... it was only fair.
Who could forget the "First Date"?... where in the truck getting caught in a Round-a-Bout did you recite a line from one of my most favorite movies...
I was instantly HOOKED.
Of course, other things that I will not mention online or in a public forum as they are too personal in nature.
I do have some dignity here.
I'm not sure where I am going with all of this... I guess I am just letting you know that I still think of you. That there are memories that I still hold dear to my heart, that have not been forgotten.
No matter how hard I try.
Yes, I have tried very very hard to forget and move on. And I'm sure it appeared that I did a fine job at that.
Some moments were easier than others, but I always keep coming back to you. You just never knew it.
I never let it be known. Until now.
I had been unfair to you for so long that I didn't want to cause any further damage. I kept my thoughts and feelings to myself. Went into a self imposed "mental imprisonment" to essentially punish myself for the wrongs I have done to you. Done to myself.
Because I didn't deserve you. I didn't deserve your love.
It's been 5 years of self punishment, 5 years of sadness and shame for the pain I had put you through. 5 years thinking by now, I should have let you go.
I didn't. I can't. I don't know if I want to.
The one memory that I cannot shake, and maybe it's a form of "payback" from you... is the memory of the last time I saw you.
You gave me a "pinky swear" telling me that everything was going to be OK, that you would be back. You asked me in the form of the statement, "You don't believe me, do you?" for which I nodded my head No, I didn't.
Somehow I knew you weren't coming back. That right there was most likely the last time I was going to see you ever again.
Of all the things I would love to forget, it's that. This is the memory that haunts me the most. It is the one that keeps me up at night, it is the one that woke me up at 2 am this morning and has kept me up, prompting me to pick back up this blog once again and write.
I still have photos of us in frames all over my room. Those had been up for years actually. Even when I moved out and you moved away. I had never let go.
I keep telling myself that I deserve all the pain, tears, and everything else that I have had to endure over the years (still going on) for how I treated you. But at some point I have to forgive myself for everything.
I know you haven't. You said you did, I think you really wanted to or maybe just said that to be nice. But I knew you didn't. If you couldn't forgive me, than how could I?
This is something that I am going to have to do on my own, no one can give me the "green light" to do it. I just don't know how to right now. I feel like I am blindfolded in a pitch black maze trying to find my way out for the last 6 years.
Though I am giving myself the "go ahead" to use this outlet to "vent" and to virtually talk to you.
It's the same to me as prayer. I talk to God, I can't see or hear him, but I know he's there. Corny analogy but it was the best I could come up with at 4 am.
Not too "quippy" at this hour of the morning sadly.
In the grand scheme of things, I'm here to tell you that I miss you. I think of you all the time, that has been going on forever it seems. That I wish you nothing but THE BEST in life and that I wished that included me.
That where ever I happen to be, I am wishing you were there by my side to share with.
Too little, too late. I know. I just needed to get all this that I have kept bottled up inside, out. I feel like a pressure cooker about to explode.
It's hard to forget someone that gave you so much to remember.
Maybe somewhere in all this I will find peace, love, and comfort. But right now, I just want you to know that no matter what is going on in your world, know that you are missed, thought of all the time, and most of all.. Loved.
