Painful Lessons

When I love, I love with no limitations. But if you betray me, I love myself enough to let go.

~ Samantha Drew

Dear Joe,

I found this on my Facebook page and thought it was very inspirational. It has taken me many years and many people to have walked in and out of my life to be able to now readily relate to her quote.


It wasn't and still isn't easy... I suspect it never will be. But I am grateful for the tools and lessons that have brought me this far.
As they say, Pain is the greatest teacher. It knows how to get your attention.


I just wish it didn't have to hurt so bad.

Love,

"Jill"

Happy Thanksgiving

I'm glad you made it out alive after your 20 years of service. 

This is the time of year where people say what they are most thankful for. While I could fill up the internet with a list miles long, I will keep it short, sweet, and Joe-centric.

I am Thankful for your friendship, your support, your guidance, and mostly your love. Even if I don't have any of those anymore, I am Thankful that I had experienced that at least once in my lifetime.

I am Thankful that you shared your family with me. Whom I love and want to be around more than my own.

(not hard to imagine as you know).

They welcomed me and treated me as if I was their own. For that I will cherish for the rest of my life.

I am Thankful for the wonderful memories you have given me in the past years. I hope to be able to hang onto them as much as I can for as long as I can.

I am Thankful for You.


God Bless you and your family <3


I love and miss ALL of you guys.


Happy Thanksgiving, Joe.


Love,
"Jill"

Happy Turkey Day

Love, 

"Jill"

Under Construction

Dear Joe,

The past couple of weeks have been nothing but "rebuilding" for me. Some of it good and the rest not so much.
But if I can get through it, the pain, trials, and the BS will have been worth it all.
I just have to keep convincing myself that it will be
*sigh*

Love,

"Jill"

Dreams

Right?!....

This makes me laugh every time.

Love,

"Jill"

Memory Loss

I forgot for one brief moment that I could make a difference and in that moment I let what was wrong in the world, win.

Yeah... feeling a little too philosophical today.

Love,
"Jill"

Ghosts of Emails past

Dear Joe,

Yesterday as I was going through my email account reading a ton of mail that ended up in the Spam folder, I came across some pretty old ones from you.

Some had photos of the last time you were down visiting me back in November 2010 which brought a smile to my face.

But it was this one that stopped all that dead in it's tracks.
There is always one in every bunch it seems.

I guess reality checks come in all sorts of ways.
This one brought me right back to earth in a split second.

Guess I deserved it. And there must have been a reason it had stayed in my old mail for so long.

Message received. Loud and Clear.

Love,
"Jill"

Bad Day

Dear Joe,

And I thought my days were bad... LOL

http://boingboing.net/2013/11/18/robot-servant-commits-suicide.html

Ironic how I can find the humor in "suicide".

Love,
"Jill"

11:11

Dear Joe,

Apparently I am not the only one affected by this "phenomena" of 11:11

Link to article: http://www.ask-angels.com/spiritual-guidance/1111-what-does-it-mean/

As much as I would really like to buy into all of that... Part of me just can't.
But I do believe there is a reason for it.

Love,
"Jill"

Thank You

Dear Joe,

Thank you for defending my freedom.

Love,
"Jill"

Battles

Dear Joe,

I am going to assume that you have seen/read/heard about the story of Angelo Merendino and his wife Jennifer who died of Cancer. It was all over the web a while back and I just fell in love with their story.

In a way, I almost felt as if I understood this man's pain in having to deal with the loss of his best friend, his wife, his everything.

I did not have to watch the slow motion death and loss of our relationship. Be that friends or committed to one another, like those 2 did. But the pain and aftermath is what I identify with completely.

I don't know what I would do if I had to watch someone I loved so very much waste away like that knowing there was nothing I could do to help or save them.
A feeling of helplessness for sure... One that would kill me in the process. Much like I have felt now.
Still do. Some days are harder than others but I am getting through it as best I can.

I admire this man for his bravery for standing by his wife's side when I have personally seen men flee the scene because it became too scary, too real.
Yet, this guy stayed. Helped her live her last days to the fullest, and she allowed him to document her vulnerability.
She is my hero.

Most people (I myself included) would do anything to prevent themselves becoming an exposed nerve, building up walls, and hiding in order to protect themselves from the pain.
Not her.

I admire her for her ability to allow and rely on her husband to take care of her, to help her, to truly Love her.

I found myself running from anyone that dared try to get that close to me. You included.

I cannot imagine the pain both of them went through knowing that their time with one another was limited... The emotion is palpable in the last 3 photos... This is where I really lost it. My heart broke for them and for myself.

They got cheated out of a long life filled with love and adventures together.
I cheated myself out of the same with you. 

They had no control over the Cancer. Though they gave it their best trying to fight and beat it...
I didn't.
I ran. I took the easy way out. I cheated both of us out of what could have been something just as beautiful as what Jennifer and Angelo had.
This is a pain I have had to live with for many years, and I suspect many more. It is my fault, this I take the blame for.

I have completely veered off track with what I wanted to write about here and that is I have learned more and more about choosing our "Battles" wisely, because sometimes they choose us... whether or not we deserve it or not. 

I spend many nights thinking about how unfair life was to this couple... to Jennifer. I have personal experience of some of what she went through, and I still don't understand why her and not me?

She had just embarked on such a beautiful journey with her new husband and you can see the love for life and love they had for one another. Those photos don't lie.

I can't say I have anything in my life's arsenal that even compares. 

I guess I feel like I don't deserve my life, much like she didn't deserve to lose hers.

http://www.viralnova.com/wifes-cancer/

My Wifes fight with Breast Cancer

They say it's not the battle you wage with others, it's the one you wage within yourself.
How true those words are.

I'm still trying not to be so hard on myself, but it is a process. A seemingly never ending one.
I hope one day I win. It can't come soon enough.

Missing you as always
Love,
"Jill"

Failure

"You want to know the difference between a master and a beginner?

The master has failed more times than the beginner has even tried."

http://doodlealley.com/2012/10/10/be-friends-with-failure/

Dear Joe,

The above link has a title that makes me cringe on every level, yet I understand and get the full meaning of it.

Yet for someone like me, I don't care how much "Dali Lama-ness" you throw at it, I am still going to grind my teeth, bury my face in my hands, and disagree with fully "embracing "failure" on any level.

Some things never change.

Love,

"Jill"

This.

So much this.

Love,
"Jill"

Chakras

Dear Joe,

One of my "Crunchy Granola Spiritual" friends on Facebook had some strange update come across my feed earlier today and I had to share this with you for obvious reasons...

No idea as to what a "chakra" is or who "Joseph" is in her life, but I thought that her avatar looked very close to me, paired with your name just gave me goosebumps.

Made me smile a little, before the tears came down.
As they always do.

Love,
"Jill"

Bridge of Memories

Dear Joe,

I'm not sure how the subject was approached, but I got onto the discussion of the new portion of the San Francisco Bay Bridge.

Most everyone in the free world has heard of and seen the new bridge (assuming you included) so I wont bother with those details... though once more, I was thrown right back to my favorite memory on that bridge, with you.

We were coming back from SF (obviously) and on your bike. The moment that I remember to this day is when you reached back and put your hand on my left leg.

I can still feel that as if it just happened a second ago.

I finally drove across the new bridge recently, and it was somewhat sad to see the original bridge completely empty. Almost as if abandoned.

*I took some footage with my phone*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCdiq_VNqiE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGtoGNAjWrU

But of course, the true sadness lies in the fact that the last time I rode over that bridge with you, was literally the last time that would ever happen again.

So I guess instead of crying because it is over, I should smile because it happened...
I just wish I could convince my heart and tear ducts to get in line with that reasoning.

Love,
"Jill"

Totally YOU

for obvious reasons...

Love,

"Jill"

Heroes

Dear Joe,

When I hear or think of  "Hero's" , I always think of you.

Whether you know it or not, you were mine.

Will always be.

Love,

"Jill"

Motorcycle Models

Dear Joe,

I am fairly certain you have already seen this posting, but in case you haven't, I thought of you when I saw this.... http://doublemesh.com/men-posing-like-motorcycle-models/

Some Monday morning hilarity for you.

Hope you are doing well.

Love,
"Jill"

Day of the Dead

Dear Joe,

Today is Day of the Dead (don't ask me what this day represents because I haven't a clue) but these pics came across my Facebook today and once again, thought of you.

So I had to share.

This one made me laugh

Love,

"Jill"