Dear Joe,
I am going to assume that you have seen/read/heard about the story of Angelo Merendino and his wife Jennifer who died of Cancer. It was all over the web a while back and I just fell in love with their story.
In a way, I almost felt as if I understood this man's pain in having to deal with the loss of his best friend, his wife, his everything.
I did not have to watch the slow motion death and loss of our relationship. Be that friends or committed to one another, like those 2 did. But the pain and aftermath is what I identify with completely.
I don't know what I would do if I had to watch someone I loved so very much waste away like that knowing there was nothing I could do to help or save them.
A feeling of helplessness for sure... One that would kill me in the process. Much like I have felt now.
Still do. Some days are harder than others but I am getting through it as best I can.
I admire this man for his bravery for standing by his wife's side when I have personally seen men flee the scene because it became too scary, too real.
Yet, this guy stayed. Helped her live her last days to the fullest, and she allowed him to document her vulnerability.
She is my hero.
Most people (I myself included) would do anything to prevent themselves becoming an exposed nerve, building up walls, and hiding in order to protect themselves from the pain.
Not her.
I admire her for her ability to allow and rely on her husband to take care of her, to help her, to truly Love her.
I found myself running from anyone that dared try to get that close to me. You included.
I cannot imagine the pain both of them went through knowing that their time with one another was limited... The emotion is palpable in the last 3 photos... This is where I really lost it. My heart broke for them and for myself.
They got cheated out of a long life filled with love and adventures together.
I cheated myself out of the same with you.
They had no control over the Cancer. Though they gave it their best trying to fight and beat it...
I didn't.
I ran. I took the easy way out. I cheated both of us out of what could have been something just as beautiful as what Jennifer and Angelo had.
This is a pain I have had to live with for many years, and I suspect many more. It is my fault, this I take the blame for.
I have completely veered off track with what I wanted to write about here and that is I have learned more and more about choosing our "Battles" wisely, because sometimes they choose us... whether or not we deserve it or not.
I spend many nights thinking about how unfair life was to this couple... to Jennifer. I have personal experience of some of what she went through, and I still don't understand why her and not me?
She had just embarked on such a beautiful journey with her new husband and you can see the love for life and love they had for one another. Those photos don't lie.
I can't say I have anything in my life's arsenal that even compares.
I guess I feel like I don't deserve my life, much like she didn't deserve to lose hers.
How true those words are.
I'm still trying not to be so hard on myself, but it is a process. A seemingly never ending one.
I hope one day I win. It can't come soon enough.
Missing you as always
Love,
"Jill"
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