Genie, you're free.

Dear Joe,

As I am sure you know Robin Williams died today. 

Of Suicide.

I can't tell you how upset this makes me feel; even though I didn't personally know him. 

Weird

But I think it is more of the pain and isolation he must have been feeling all this time that finally did him in.

It's so sad. Even the strongest mind can't overcome sometimes....

Depression is a very ugly battle.

I should know.

I've lost precious friends and family members to this, and almost myself.

http://www.iflscience.com/brain/identifying-and-overcoming-depression

I remember being told that he suffered from Alcoholism, Depression, and Drug Addiction but could never understand how someone so seemingly happy, funny, and charismatic could be depressed?!
Boggles the mind.

But I guess having to live your life "on stage" 24/7 can get tiresome and at some point you need to take a break and relax. I think he felt that he had to keep "In Character" all the time. That would be too much pressure for me or anyone to deal with.

I am shocked at Robin Williams death..

Someone who can make people so happy and wonderful is lacking in his own personal life. In these times of bankers leaping out of high rise windows, men and women who as others look at their lives think they have every thing you should ever want but the inner person is dying alone, feeling left out of this world. And when millions love him and still takes his own life because anything is better than living the life they live now.. this speaks of severe pain and anguish. Something most people will never know.
Those are the lucky ones.

 RIP to a beloved man who made every one laugh and brought life to others when the light he felt inside him never glowed.

It was more than I could take so I signed off Facebook and Twitter, had a good cry (this just hit too close to home), and came to blog a little and find some peace.

My hope is that Robin has finally found his.

I miss you.

Love,
"Jill"

Gnarls Barkley

Unlovable

Dear Joe,

I found this article online while reading through my news feed that I can't tell you how much I appreciate and feel a huge relief from.

It's a blog post written about females who seemingly cannot be loved. A category that on many levels I fall into.

I felt the need to share in case anyone out there that reads this blog, could maybe get their "Ah Ha! moment" as well.

Anyway, here it is:


"Whether we know it or not, we've all met some form of the typical “Miss Independent.”

Some of us know her better than others; some of us claim that title ourselves.

She’s the self-sufficient, somewhat mysterious go-getter with big dreams and an even bigger heart, though not everyone sees it at first glance.

Some might see her as cold and distant, because she needs a significant amount of alone time to keep her from feeling scattered and spread so thin that she disappears. Sure, she has family and friends with whom she loves to spend much of her time, but it’s in her nature to crave those precious hours of solitude—being only with her thoughts, completely alone in a crowd or in the vastness of a quiet scene.

Some call it antisocial; she calls it sanity.

For any or all of these reasons and then some, she’s never been the type to “fall in love.” In fact, if she has ever been in a relationship to any degree, it was likely one of the most difficult and confusing things she’s ever experienced—and she’s not usually one to be deterred.

Perhaps she’s too focused on her goals to realize that love could be knocking on her door, or she’s so comfortable with being in control that the thought of surrendering even a little bit to someone else makes her uneasy. There’s also a chance that, despite her outward confidence and undeniable potential for success, she’s extremely insecure.
Or, maybe she’s simply afraid of opening herself up enough to be loved.

Whatever the reason, it comes down to the fact that this girl probably doesn't know how to handle the love that a suitor might want to give her. It doesn't mean she’s a lost cause, it just means that developing any kind of relationship with her will require an approach that’s more sensitive to her guarded heart.

In an effort to offer some insight, here are a few pointers for learning how to love a girl who doesn’t know how to be loved:
1. Be patient.

Don’t expect her to feel comfortable with diving headfirst into anything even slightly resembling romance. Keep in mind, it’s probably taken her a great deal of contemplation and courage to even consider spending her time with you. And if she does appear comfortable responding to your first moves, it’s quite possible that she’s actually terrified of what you’ll think of her if she asks to slow things down. So, she just musters the strength to submit herself to the moment, only to spend all night feeling horrible about her dishonesty and inability step on the brakes. This will freak her out enough to make her sever whatever ties were made and withdraw immediately—something she’s not afraid to do.

To avoid that, let things unfold at a pace that feels natural, which might be slower than what’s considered “normal.” Remember, she’s not used to this, and too much at once will surely send her over the edge. Showing sensitivity to her pace will let her know that she doesn't have to fear being out of control, causing a miscommunication or feeling the pressure of time.
2. Talk.

Because she spends so much of her time alone and in her head, this girl might be under the impression that her thoughts and opinions are a bit too intense for others. She rarely shares the things on her mind, as she fears that whatever’s in there is so deep and inquisitive that people will think it’s over-dramatic, oddly philosophical or just plain weird. She values deep conversation, but feels that she can exercise this pleasure with relatively few people, if any at all.

So talk with her. Let her know that she can say what’s on her mind, and don’t be afraid of her ability to dissect every possible meaning of a theory she’s been hung up on for weeks. If she apologizes for rambling about it, tell her she doesn’t need to be sorry, she doesn’t need to suppress it. Make her feel that although she is certainly unique for having such thoughts, she isn’t crazy or abnormal.
Tell her it makes her all the more beautiful.

And then, give it right back to her. Be sure to engage in her contemplations just as much as you listen; she wants to hear your thoughts more than you realize.
3. Support her.

Part of this girl’s struggle with letting herself be loved could be that she is relentlessly focused on her dreams and goals, so much so that she forgets to make room in her life for other things—like relationships. It’s not something she does intentionally, she’s just extremely determined to achieve whatever she has set out to do.
If she is forced to make a choice between a love life and her goals, she’s already chosen the latter. So don’t make her choose.

And certainly don’t make her feel guilty for not spending more of her time with you as a result—she’ll take that as another sign that she needs to sever the ties, even if they’re stronger at this point.

Instead, support her. If you really love this girl and she really loves you, then she’ll welcome the encouragement. She’ll want to support you, too. Let her; with a heart as passionate as hers, you’ll want her on your team.
4. Don’t be two halves of a whole, be two wholes that make an even greater whole.

Remember that this “Miss Independent” is just that—an independent chick with an ability to fend for herself. She might even be afraid of relying on others, no matter how much she trusts them.

Therefore, don’t think of a relationship with her as one that joins two halves together to make a whole; she won’t treat it as such, and she definitely won’t feel comfortable if you do. Rather, see it as two wholes becoming an even greater whole—two individuals who love each other enough to respect the other’s independence and uniqueness.

This includes honoring her need for alone time. She realizes that you are a person with or without her and asks that you see her in the same way. Being able to spend time apart is important to her; she doesn’t want to rely on your presence, nor does she want you to rely on hers.

Don’t try to spend every hour of every day with her unless you want her to feel so bombarded that she tailspins into a mess of tears, word vomit and utter confusion, ending with her breaking it off and swearing to never interact with another human ever again.

But when you are together, be together. Completely. Let her know she is loved until she begins to understand what that feels like, and then keep doing it. If it’s right, she’ll come around. And because she’s loyal by nature, she’ll stick around, too (so don’t give her any reason to think that you won’t).

Truly, this girl has a lot of love to give, even if she’s a bit awkward in showing it at first. She just needs time—time to figure things out for herself, to better understand how this works.
Let her figure out that deep down, she just wants to love and be loved—just like everyone else.

If she happens to let you close enough to love her, take it seriously. It means she’s trying. It means she wants to love you. And remember that helping her learn how to be loved in return is the surest way to win her heart."

Link to the original article: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/03/how-to-love-a-girl-who-doesnt-know-how-to-be-loved/

I am absolutely IN LOVE with Elephant Journal. I could spend hours on that site.

Who am I kidding?.... I already DO

I miss you... especially now.

Love,

"Jill"

Saturday Wisdom

from the Buddhist Boot Camp:


"We are often disappointed when we don't get what we want, and get downright upset if we get what we don't want. Then, the minute we finally get exactly what we've been waiting for, we're afraid of losing it.

The problem isn't the fear, upset, or disappointment, necessarily, it's that never-ending "want" behind it all. So redefine what "enough" means to you, and you'll find that you have plenty of it!"

My problem is I want what I cannot have most times.

Ok.. Buddha, how do I fix that?

Happy Saturday!

I hope your 4th of July was amazing

Love,

"Jill"

Time & Scars

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone". --Rose Kennedy--

What if the scar is there, and the same amount of pain remains?

Paging Rose Kennedy!

Love,
"Jill"

Hide and Seek

Dear Joe,
I always seem to find you in the most random places and when I’m least expecting it.

Love, "Jill"

444

Dear Joe,
Turns out my “Like” made the total of 444 likes.
Of course, I wished for you.
Love, “Jill”

Rebuilt

Dear Joe,

No one ever tells you how incredibly hard, tedious, and painful this process is. I don't think there are words powerful enough to describe it really... 

Or anyone, aside from God above, who could explain clearly what happens when someone goes through this "Chrysalis Stage".

Butterflies make it look soo easy.

I miss you.

Love,

"Jill"

Obvious Reasons

Dear Joe,


I thought of you when I saw this.
Obviously.











Love, "Jill"

Subtle Reminders of you

Post Easter Find

Found: This disturbing looking "Easter Chicken" that is in dire need of a bikini wax.


I do not want to know what goes on in this house...

Love,

"Jill"

Judgement & Faith

We as humans judge, discern. It is a basic evolutionary adaptation for our own survival. But when judgement is passed down upon another, please remember an adaptation that we also inherently hold, and that is GRACE. So, next time there is a desire to want to cast thy first stone, please remember before it is cast to turn around and look in the mirror instead of spending so much time fighting the reflection.

Forgiveness really needs to be embraced... possibly put into a choke hold by society. Faith that others can and DO change.

Too many are being crucified by others who are not without sin themselves.

Some are just better at hiding it than others.

Glass Houses people.... That is all I have to say about that.

Love,
"Jill"

Hallways

They say "When God closes one door, he opens another."

What they don't mention is that hallway between is a REAL Bitch.
 Or the window you can only look out of, but cannot climb through to get to the place you so badly want to be.

Love,
"Jill"

Nailed It

One of my new favorite shows "Portlandia" just nails my blog on the head.

Better days to come.
I have to believe that.

Love,
"Jill"

Truly Madly Deeply

I'm just sorry I couldn't show it.
I'm sorry for so many things in general.

Love,
"Jill"

Temptation

I couldnt help myself... it is something I would post up at work ;)

Im seriously contemplating doing it...

Love,

"Jill"

A Floral Pat on the Back

Dear Joe,

Just seconds of taking a pic of the Beaker doll that you sent me years back, my boss put this basket of plants right in front of my camera.

For a job well done at work... *aww shucks*

I just wish I knew exactly what for lol

Just wanted to show you I still had Beaker. He has sat at every desk I have had and will continue to do so.

Apparently this is how people can tell and locate my desk. 

I dont mind ;)

Love,

"Jill"

Faking It

I posted photos from my weekend on Facebook, and one of my friends messaged me, saying "it is great seeing pictures of you happy... you aren't faking it, are you?" 

Except for one minor internal setback Saturday night, I spent the weekend enjoying my friends.

 It felt good. I felt..happy.

I have been faking happiness for so many years. It seemed easier to please others by plastering a smile on my face then to actually look inside and pursue what I needed for my own happiness.

 But those days are past. I have worked way too hard to dig myself out of my abyss to risk slipping back down.

One of my favorite existentialists, Albert Camus, said,"You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life."

My happiness is too important to fake it for the benefit of others. If I cannot find happiness in your company, then don't be surprised when your company I no longer keep.


And so, with a happy heart, I replied to his message. "Nah - faking it never works out..."

Love,

"Jill"

#Truth

“The law is simple. Every experience is repeated or suffered till you experience it properly and fully the first time.”
― Ben Okri, Astonishing The Gods

I just loved this and had to include it in this blog. 

For obvious reasons.

Love,

"Jill"

Totally Awesome

Because all other bleach is just "meh"

Never thought I would see over achieving household cleaners.
Now I've seen it all.

To be followed up by Totally Awesome Liquid Plumber. Which sadly wasn't Awesome... at all.

Love,

"Jill"

*Shivering*

Could it be because this damn office is heated to the temperature of a Meat Locker or a Morgue?

I think so. My brain has done shut off... *sigh*

Back to my shivering. I must look like I'm having a seizure at my desk. 

Sexy

I cant even think to write today. 

Love,

"Jill"

Luke of the Irish

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Love,
"Jill"

Demotivational

My new motivational background to reach my goals. At least for today.

#achievementunocked

#lazy

Love,

"Jill"

Call Me Maybe?

Dear Joe,

*In a saucy mood today*

Got a call from someone I didn't know telling me that they took care of "that thing" for me... My response: "Where did you hide the body?"
They hung up :(

*crosses fingers for more like this.. I could use another laugh ;)

Love,

"Jill"

Rewards

and that is a huge scary step to take but sometimes you just have to do it without clearly knowing what comes after...

I just wish I could allow myself to let go

Love,

"Jill"

Silence of the Cows

Oh I am not even kidding about this post.

The universe and my co-workers have a sick sense of "holiday humor". I may have to punk them later...


So the company I work for does Medical Device testing and needed actual blood to run the study. Seeing as ritual blood-letting has been a long abandoned practice and murder is illegal, they have to acquire this biological substance at a slaughterhouse. Dear God in Heaven.... I HATE those places.
I had to do a internship there during college for my Animal Science Degree and it SUCKED. I cried on an hourly basis, threw up, and felt like I should just throw myself into oncoming traffic for witnessing the horror's that those poor animals were going through.

Not only was I having to pay a visit to this "livestock death camp", I had to transport the "byproducts" IN MY OWN CAR.
What the effing F*CK?!

It is a tad late for a "hazing" here at my job. But Really?!... omfg

The truly laughable part is that we are required to clearly label the buckets of blood in case you get into an accident during transport. It is for the city to know how to properly clean and dispose of any "waste" that may end up on the highway/road you are on. Who gives a crap if it gets all over you or your car?...
I'd be more concerned about the possibility of the interior of my car looking like a murder scene.

Yeah well, I wasn't about to take that chance... I bagged that bucket 4 individual times while zip tieing it to death (no pun intended). So disgusting.
No to mention that not only do the employees of the slaughterhouse bring you your bucket of blood, it's all steamy and chit so you know it was a recent kill. *Faints*

So then I have to whip out a huge 20cc syringe and put in Heparin to stop the blood from clotting so that it can be used on our medical devices.
Oh and I have to use a ginormous spoon to stir the anticoagulant in. Someone must hate me. I'm convinced.

Never Ever again.

I was seriously waiting to see "Hannibal Lecter"... and to be greeted with the famous line :

"Hello Clarice"... I think I may have heard that in the distance while trying to block out the moo'ing cows.

So damn depressing. I think am going to take a shower and cry myself to sleep tonight. I hate this part of my job.

My weekend escape can't come soon enough!

Love,

"Jill"

Home Break

Last weekend was my weekend to work so I packed up my board and took it to work with me.



I'm 20 minutes away (depending on traffic) from the beach and it was an amazing day so I couldn't pass it up :)

Had to grab some supplies at the shop... Some of these brands just crack me up

and stickers... Love me some stickers!

Then I turn the corner to see this little gem. What the hell?



Got to love my home town.

Love,

"Jill"

P.S. I Love You

Today...

Dear Joe,

This was my day today. While stuck in senseless meetings which impeded my ability to get my work done.



I know is taboo to blog about your work/job so I will just leave it at that. Though there is sooo much more I could write about. Exorcist-worthy material.


It's truly sad, but not for long ;)

(this is a sheep in case you were wondering)

Apparently when I am less than amused, I like to draw barnyard animals with thought bubbles above their heads.


However with the day I had today, I had to practice A LOT of restraint. Or there would have been a whole farm represented on that page giving various "hand/hoof" gestures and screaming obscenities.


Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.


Might have to bring in an easel and some oil pastels.


*giggle*

Love,

"Jill"

Kambuchuchuchucha Tea (Portlandia Reference)

Dear Joe,

After much contemplation and advice from friends and über fit people, I have been adopted a healthier diet and lifestyle.

So much so that most everything is organic, non GMO, and almost totally vegetarian. 

Don't worry... I still enjoy a good burger or chicken breast from time to time.
It wasn't my goal but ended up that way. And I'm feeling pretty good these days :)

My latest obsession is Kombucha Tea. Oh where to start?!.... Yeah they look kind of weird. Some have chia seeds in them (great source if omega-3's and fiber), and if you aren't into "bitter" teas these "bite back".

*my favorite*

Though I do have my limits and there is one flavor that just pushed it.
The Green Chia.

I'm all for trying new things, and I did try this one but will never ever drink it again.


It is made with Blue Green Algae. YES ALGAE.
I don't care how good for you it is, I'm not consuming that crap again.


Can't believe I paid money for a bottle when I could have licked a dirty fish tank for free.

Today I tried a new flavor "Trilogy". It's OK. I'm not into Ginger all that much unless its Gingerbread or Ginger Snap cookies. Both of which are banned from my stomach :/ *sigh*

Haha.. I think I found out why I like these so much... Contains trace amount of alcohol *jk*


Though to be truthful, I did shake the bottle before I drank it.
Oops!


Then I spotted this...

Dang! Apparently it's edible

*giggle*

I miss you.

Love,

"Jill"