You, You, and More You

Found: at my house

and at the store... this one scared the crap out of me when I turned the corner. It was voice activated.

Love,

"Jill"

Arrr2-D2

Dear Joe,

Couldn't sleep... so this is the by product of insomnia, the internet, and you...

Couldn't help myself

Love,

"Jill"

An Awful Truth (Crash Helmet Required Reading)

Dear Joe,

The above pic was a status update from a friend on Facebook the other day. Had I not been me, I would have thought I had wrote that. But of course it resonated with me so I took a screen shot of it and knew I wanted to include it in a blog post.

I'm pretty sure everyone has had that "status update" once or twice in their lifetime... I know right now I do.

I'd like to delete all the bad memories and keep the good ones. Problem is I'm finding that I am losing both.

Yay for the bad ones to be forgotten, but with the bad go the good as well. Sucks.

I don't know what prompted me to google the house I lived in with you, but just as I punched in the address, Google Images was all too accommodating with a full frontal picture. Complete with your palm tree that has gotten quite tall!

I remember it being about my height when I first met you in 2005. I don't know why that surprises me but it just did.

The tin foil is still in the windows of what was once my bedroom... So weird that the new tenants put that there. I tried to imagine my car in the drive way on the right and your truck on the left.

Many memories still remain with me. I wish Life had a rewind button. I would have back tracked all the way to just after the boat incident. 

Obviously I wouldn't have done things the exact same, heck no. I would have avoided certain people and situations as well as pill pushing physicians who really don't care about your health... they just want your insurance and co pays. To create a "customer" not a cure.

I know that no such button exists and the best I can do for myself is to try to move on. Easier said than done.

Here is where the real honesty begins... 

I assure you I am not proud of what I am about to confess because I am not. I apologize if it upsets you in any way but I don't think it will so this is why I feel I can be open about it now.

A few months back mom had given me her whole prescription of sleeping meds as I was unable to get to sleep due to my roommate's extremely loud family members who apparently just couldn't get enough of her house. 

Of course I was all too happy to take them and I did. 

One night, a particularly bad one, I had just given up. Given up on me, Given up on Life and I wanted it to be over. 

I didn't want to feel anymore sadness, pain, failure for hurting those that I loved, for hurting you. 

I didn't want to be able to hurt you again. I no longer wanted to exist.

For months I had been praying to God to just take me "home". Wanting to be in heaven because I just couldn't deal with the hell that I have been dealing with for years now.

I've kept this to myself because I didn't want to alarm or hurt anyone else. So once again I stayed silent.

That night instead of praying to God, I asked for his forgiveness. Forgiveness for ingesting that whole bottle of pills.

What they don't tell you is how incredibly SICK you get when you over dose. So much that I was throwing up ALL OVER the place. I had gotten into my car (Idiot move) and made my way to my folks house. I don't remember driving there but I do remember pulling over on the side of the road to throw up some more. 

As luck would have it, here come my parents in the jeep. They saw my car with the door open and me getting sick. Then they followed me to their house where my mom said that I sat down in her recliner and passed out.

The dogs acted worried and "Izzy" (moms Maine Coon cat) was meowing at me and kept head butting me but I wouldn't wake up. She said I was breathing funny too.

I think she knew. But didn't say a word.

16 hours later I woke up, said I wasn't feeling well and then went home. It was never discussed again.

I've been keeping that dirty little secret close to the vest; up until now. Aside from you, there are only 2 other people that know the truth. 

I cannot put into words at how badly I feel for ever hurting you. Ever betraying you. Crushing your dreams, and your heart. It may seem like this is was way overboard of a reaction to our past, but I'm being honest in telling you that I really can't handle it. I still haven't forgiven myself and continue to beat myself up every single day for it.

To be honest... I am pretty sure even if I was forgiven by you, God, anyone else that this affected, it still wouldn't be good enough. Actually I'm certain it wouldn't be. 

I hold myself to a much higher standard than most, and I don't think I will ever "let this go" or be "OK" with it.

At this point I'm just trying to figure out how to exist with those feelings. Each day is a battle.

It has nothing to do with being depressed. Medications actually made that problem for me... 

It's the "how can you live with yourself?!" feelings that I am forced to coexist with. It's not a nice feeling for sure.

I do know that I can't keep apologizing for something that happened 6-7 years ago. At some point I do have to let it go.

I just don't know when that time is to come.

Until then, I will keep on fighting the fight within.

I hope you are doing well. And I miss you as always.

Love,

"Jill"

One Crazy Day

Dear Joe,

Not entirely sure what is going on with the previous post (the white background, etc.) so I'm hoping that this one turns out as it is supposed to.

Last night I couldn't sleep so I decided to read back through this whole blog. WOW is all I can say.

And yet there is still more to come I am sure.
Today was draining... Both good and bad.
I left the VA to pursue my ultimate passion, that being Surgery. I found a job right in town (15 minutes down the street) that will allow me to perform and learn new surgical skills, so Im pretty stoked about that.

The downside is the pay... Very low but I am managing. And for each new procedure I learn that can be used, I get a raise. Win Win

I've actually met someone that had worked at 2 other places that I had as well years back. So it's nice to have a somewhat "built in" friend at work but it didn't take me long at all to make new friends there anyway.

Now adding them on Facebook.... that's a different story!

I don't have anything earth shattering to report... Just wanted to stop by and blog to you for a moment to tell you that I was thinking about you and that you are missed.

And to pass on the latest in "Pick Up Lines" ...
According to Cosmopolitan Magazine, there IS someone on this planet that YES used this very line...

I'm guessing this was from a very kinky vegetarian? Perhaps he should spend a lot less time in the produce section of the grocery store.

My head is still spinning from this. I cannot believe there is actually someone out there that says this kind of crap.... Though I would LOVE to have been able to see the look on the chicks face when this line was used on her.

DAMN GLAD it wasn't me!

anyway, I hope you are doing well and I will write more soon.

There is something pretty big I wanted to tell you but I think I need a bit more time to work up the courage to write it.

Talk to you soon.

Love, 

"Jill"

Jury Duty

Dear Joe,

Today was 50 shades of SUCK.
So I had to appear for my civic duty as a U.S. Citizen for Jury Duty. Of course I was dreading it as I have never personally found these events to be an enjoyable experience. However, they are now really bringing out the "big guns" by adding the "potential to meet a special someone" or "make new friends" in the video that is required to watch before one enters the court room for selection.

True Story. I almost laughed. and gagged...
*get real*

While in the middle of silently begging God for mercy on my soul and allowing me to be one of the chosen groups to be excused, my name was called to be in the Pre Selection Group that was to head upstairs to the courtroom where we were to meet the attorneys, the defendant, and to hear what the case was all about.

This is when I had a total melt down.

There were 2 attorneys and the defendant. No Plaintiff was seen. Why? Because she was a Minor.




As the judge explained what the trial was about, in a split second I was in tears and wanted to get sick. The man next to me and one of the officers in the room asked if I was OK and if I needed anything.




All I could say was "Please get me off this case... I can't be on this case. Please give me something else... I can't do this".

I snapped.




Old Painful Memories that I did not want to ever revisit, resurrected themselves all over again. The weak sick feeling hit me like a freight train that I could not outrun.




I was excused from the courtroom of course, and took my paperwork that we were all given to fill out with further questions to assess eligibility to sit on the jury for that case, and went downstairs into another room to fill out.




My handwriting looked like I was in the middle of a seizure. I didn't care... I wanted the hell out of there fast.

It is painfully obvious that today hit a major nerve with me and shown that there is a part of my past that I really need to finally deal with, let go of, and move on from.

No one should ever be reduced to a crying shaking mess in less than a second, unless it is good news.

This was anything but that.

By the grace of God I was excused from Jury Duty... I guess they didn't like my answers when filling out the questionnaire ;)


I couldn't be a part of that Jury anyway... That was too much for me to handle emotionally. I broke into a cold sweat just being in the courthouse knowing why I was being called there.


Guess I should see someone about these unresolved issues of mine.

Then I saw this.. Made me think of you because this is something you would arrange.

and then I went back to crying.


That is something I seem to be doing a lot of lately. Right now, I am going to just do what I wanted to and crawl in bed, hide away from the world, and cry myself to sleep.

Today was too much. Too painful.

Just too real.


Talk to you soon.


Love,


"Jill"

Star Wars Weekend

Dear Joe,

My roommate has a Netflix subscription and this was what came in the mail yesterday. I thought of you.

Then of course the Boba Fett motorcycle was another reminder too.

Miss you as always,

"Jill"

I could see you doing this

Love,
"Jill"

An Obvious Choice

Dear Joe,

I saw this and obviously thought of you... For the AR-15 reference if course.

Love, 

"Jill"

The One

You were always the one.

Love,

"Jill"

Open Sesame?

"I have been looking at this photo, and quote from "Jill" for a few weeks now. I couldn't quite figure out why it wasn't resonating with me. And then it hit me... I close the doors in my condo all the time. It doesn't stop my cat. She has learned how to jump up, balance her weight against the door handle, and open the door. Nothing prevents her from going where she wants to go.

My point? Why do we have to assume that a closed door is a lost opportunity? If what is behind that door is truly important, then find a way to open it. We see a closed door, and we either obsess on it being closed, or we wander off to look for something else. But sometimes (yes, sometimes!), what is behind door number one is the grand prize, and we have to fight for it."

I sent the above pic to my friend Laura a while ago in an attempt to see what she would blog with it about. As always, she comes up with the very thing(s) that I may or have been through myself. At this time I could definitely relate to this current post.
I think my issue here is that I am very much like Laura's cat. Even though she shuts the door trying to keep her cat out, it always reopens the door. It does not "learn" that she closes it because she does not want to grant access to this place she blocks off. Whether it be something as simple as closing off a room as to not mess it up, or closing off your heart as to not get hurt…. Somehow, Some way, we try to find our way back in.
I am still in the process on learning which "doors" are worth the effort. Yet still, yours remains the one I find myself standing in front of, knocking on, hoping one day you will answer it.
The "grand prize".

Love,
"Jill"

Happy Quattro de Mustard!

Happy Birthday! and "May the 4th be with you" OK that was cheesy but it had to be done.

I hope you get everything you want and then some :)

Love,

"Jill"