An Awful Truth (Crash Helmet Required Reading)

Dear Joe,

The above pic was a status update from a friend on Facebook the other day. Had I not been me, I would have thought I had wrote that. But of course it resonated with me so I took a screen shot of it and knew I wanted to include it in a blog post.

I'm pretty sure everyone has had that "status update" once or twice in their lifetime... I know right now I do.

I'd like to delete all the bad memories and keep the good ones. Problem is I'm finding that I am losing both.

Yay for the bad ones to be forgotten, but with the bad go the good as well. Sucks.

I don't know what prompted me to google the house I lived in with you, but just as I punched in the address, Google Images was all too accommodating with a full frontal picture. Complete with your palm tree that has gotten quite tall!

I remember it being about my height when I first met you in 2005. I don't know why that surprises me but it just did.

The tin foil is still in the windows of what was once my bedroom... So weird that the new tenants put that there. I tried to imagine my car in the drive way on the right and your truck on the left.

Many memories still remain with me. I wish Life had a rewind button. I would have back tracked all the way to just after the boat incident. 

Obviously I wouldn't have done things the exact same, heck no. I would have avoided certain people and situations as well as pill pushing physicians who really don't care about your health... they just want your insurance and co pays. To create a "customer" not a cure.

I know that no such button exists and the best I can do for myself is to try to move on. Easier said than done.

Here is where the real honesty begins... 

I assure you I am not proud of what I am about to confess because I am not. I apologize if it upsets you in any way but I don't think it will so this is why I feel I can be open about it now.

A few months back mom had given me her whole prescription of sleeping meds as I was unable to get to sleep due to my roommate's extremely loud family members who apparently just couldn't get enough of her house. 

Of course I was all too happy to take them and I did. 

One night, a particularly bad one, I had just given up. Given up on me, Given up on Life and I wanted it to be over. 

I didn't want to feel anymore sadness, pain, failure for hurting those that I loved, for hurting you. 

I didn't want to be able to hurt you again. I no longer wanted to exist.

For months I had been praying to God to just take me "home". Wanting to be in heaven because I just couldn't deal with the hell that I have been dealing with for years now.

I've kept this to myself because I didn't want to alarm or hurt anyone else. So once again I stayed silent.

That night instead of praying to God, I asked for his forgiveness. Forgiveness for ingesting that whole bottle of pills.

What they don't tell you is how incredibly SICK you get when you over dose. So much that I was throwing up ALL OVER the place. I had gotten into my car (Idiot move) and made my way to my folks house. I don't remember driving there but I do remember pulling over on the side of the road to throw up some more. 

As luck would have it, here come my parents in the jeep. They saw my car with the door open and me getting sick. Then they followed me to their house where my mom said that I sat down in her recliner and passed out.

The dogs acted worried and "Izzy" (moms Maine Coon cat) was meowing at me and kept head butting me but I wouldn't wake up. She said I was breathing funny too.

I think she knew. But didn't say a word.

16 hours later I woke up, said I wasn't feeling well and then went home. It was never discussed again.

I've been keeping that dirty little secret close to the vest; up until now. Aside from you, there are only 2 other people that know the truth. 

I cannot put into words at how badly I feel for ever hurting you. Ever betraying you. Crushing your dreams, and your heart. It may seem like this is was way overboard of a reaction to our past, but I'm being honest in telling you that I really can't handle it. I still haven't forgiven myself and continue to beat myself up every single day for it.

To be honest... I am pretty sure even if I was forgiven by you, God, anyone else that this affected, it still wouldn't be good enough. Actually I'm certain it wouldn't be. 

I hold myself to a much higher standard than most, and I don't think I will ever "let this go" or be "OK" with it.

At this point I'm just trying to figure out how to exist with those feelings. Each day is a battle.

It has nothing to do with being depressed. Medications actually made that problem for me... 

It's the "how can you live with yourself?!" feelings that I am forced to coexist with. It's not a nice feeling for sure.

I do know that I can't keep apologizing for something that happened 6-7 years ago. At some point I do have to let it go.

I just don't know when that time is to come.

Until then, I will keep on fighting the fight within.

I hope you are doing well. And I miss you as always.

Love,

"Jill"