Happy New Year!

Love,
"Jill"

Star Wars Viewing Blog Post

Dear Joe,

As I was doing my "daily troll" on my Facebook account, this little number popped out: http://www.nomachetejuggling.com/2011/11/11/the-star-wars-saga-suggested-viewing-order/

I figured it might/would be of interest to you and from what I can see, it looks like a rather long read so I hope you have some time on your hands.

Knowing you, you would make time for anything Star Wars ;)

Enjoy and May the Force be with You

Ok.. that just sounded stupid but I will leave it there.
Hopefully it made you laugh and not gag

Love,
"Jill"

Can you believe this?

Dear Joe,

There are no words....

I would never have thought Star Wars and My Little Pony would have ever merged but here they are!

http://nerdapproved.com/toys/collect-all-of-these-custom-my-little-ponies/#!qIkOS

I'd take the Slave Leia pony. I kinda like her

Just had to share.

Love,
"Jill"

Turn Around

Dear Joe,

While having one of my deep philosophical discussions with a friend of mine last night, she kept asking why I had been unable to forgive myself and finally let go. Let go of all the pain and unresolved emotions I have been carrying around for years concerning you, me, everything in between.

I told her that for so many years, you had never turned your back on me when I needed you the most.
That you were always there. And that I felt that I owed you at least that.

Then she told me this: "You cannot turn your back on someone who is not there"

Even though she is right, those words stung hard. Even as I type this I have tears welling up in my eyes because it is the truth.
I turned my back on you; so many times.
I've lost count.

I guess I'm hoping that one day when you need it, I can return the favor.
Though, I won't hold my breath. I can't imagine why you would ever need me for anything really.

But should you ever, you know where to find me.

I hope you are doing well.

Love Always,
"Jill"

2014

Dear Joe,

I saw this post from Dodinsky on my Facebook feed today and I just loved it. I even took the photo used and made it my Cover Photo.

I can relate to that horse that appears to have been the last to have broken free.
It appears to be a metaphor for the next year to come.

"You are not defective, powerless or insignificant. Forgive the mistakes of the past and leave behind the meaningless cycle of blaming yourself. Do not make your wounds become YOU. You are destined to be great. It is never too late realize and do something about that." — Dodinsky

Here's to hoping for a much better year ahead for everyone!

And it's the Year of the Horse!

*even better!*

Love,
"Jill"

Milestones

Time to say Goodbye to my 30's and Hello to my 40's

So.... I FINALLY made it to Vegas!

Too bad it took me this long to get there but at least it happened!
Thanks to a bunch of friends who decided to kidnap me at midnight and drive 6 hours to throw me a birthday party in Sin City.
*Squee!*

*Caesar's Palace*

*Brahman Shrine at Caesars Palace*

*outside The Venetian*

*VEGAS BABY*

New York, New York

*I got to ride a Gondola! and I LOVE Instagram. They make my pics look professional ;) *

The Venetian Casino Resort

*The Titanic Exhibit at The Luxor*

*a portion of the Titanic Hull*

*some of the dishes found on the Titanic*

*inside The Venetian*

*Titanic exhibit*

*Palazzo Resort Casino*

*stained glass ceiling in Bally's Hotel & Casino*

*Mon Ami Gabi for my Birthday Lunch*

French Cuisine Ohh La La!

*"Buck & Winnie" at Harrah's Hotel & Casino*

*Birthday Sushi*

omgggg.... this was the Ultimate Caterpillar Roll and it was A MAY ZING!

only had maybe 2 bites though... still hard to keep anything down.

*topped off by one of the most interesting birthday cakes I have ever seen*

Strawberry Chiffon something or other... 

I didn't have any. Calories you know?

I can't believe I made it this far... LOL
Especially after tonight... I am going to be hating life tomorrow
Now I need to change my dress and hit up Studio 54 at MGM... CANNOT WAIT!

The one thing that is missing is you.

Know that you were on my mind when it came time to blow out the candles on my cake.

I wished you were here.

And in a way you were. 

All my love,

"Jill"

Learning To Surface

Dear Joe,

I found this article in Fitness Magazine that I absolutely LOVED. Loved everything about it. It really hit home with me. 

It kind of gave me that "permission" to break down and be human. Something I have a very hard time doing.

I'm grateful to have found this article and that I was able to derive some comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one that feels/felt that way.

Not that I didn't think that there weren't anyone else in my shoes, but you know what I mean.

It was a validation I guess I had been looking for.

Anyway, here is the article.

It's incredibly accurate in the description of learning how to surf... It's a wonder I even picked up the hobby!

When tough times hit, I found refuge underwater. But some events are just too big to try to drown out.

By Anna Davies

Making Waves

As a kid on a summer swim team, I never wanted to be in the final relay. That was the last event of the night, after the sun had slipped past the horizon. My coach would push me onto the dock, where I would gaze down at the murky green water, trying to psych myself up for the race.

But as soon as the starting gun sounded, I would dive in, and by the time I kick-kick-stroked to the surface, I wasn't thinking about the cold anymore. And that's why I loved swimming. Once I began moving, everything in the outside world stopped mattering.

When my mom passed away unexpectedly from Lymphoma when I was 28, it felt like the dive but without the surfacing.

Growing up, the water had been my refuge. In my turbulent adolescence, my mom had even made a rule: I couldn't complain about school or friend stuff until after swim practice. Normally, a hard two-hour workout of swim drills would be enough to take the edge off whatever emotions I was feeling.

"Just put your head down and swim," she would say, stealing the phrase from my swim coach. My mom used it for everything, though, long after I quit the swim team: Disappointing meeting with a boss. Breakup with a boyfriend. Epic fight with a best friend. Over the years I got better and better at hiding my feelings in favor of just pushing through, the same way she did.

Which was why I went back to work three days after my mom died. At her funeral I had mingled with her friends, smiled at their stories. She would have been proud of me. That was head down and swim.

As the one-year anniversary of my mom's death approached, I booked a surfing trip to Costa Rica, I wanted to be someplace where no one would ask how I was doing or call to check in.

The first few days didn't go well. My swimming background couldn't help me balance on a wave or know the right time to pop up from my stomach to my feet. By the end of the first day a bruise bloomed along my ribs, and the tops of my feet had been rubbed raw from the board.

The last straw was three days into the trip. A year before, I had woken up excited and nervous to start the first day of a new job. I'd been annoyed the previous night, when my mother had cut our phone conversation short before I'd had a chance to ask her opinion of my outfit choice. She'd been having trouble catching her breath while speaking, but that was something that had become the norm because of her lymphoma treatment. She had told my brothers and me not to worry about it, the same way she had instructed us not to bother visiting during the times she was in the hospital. She hadn't even told her own mother she was sick.

That afternoon I'd gotten a call from my father. My mom had been rushed to the ICU. She had a trach tube and was drifting in and out of consciousness. At that moment, I'd known that she would die -- soon.

Now the same feelings of anger, fear, and helplessness kept bubbling up. How could I have not known how sick she had been? That phone call, when I'd been upset that she didn't seem to care what I wore, had been the last conversation we'd ever had.

In the water, I kept falling from my board, becoming angrier each time. My surf instructor urged me to try smaller waves. "I'm fine!" I said. I hated how I was letting my emotions get the best of me. I got into position for the wave, willing myself to just do it.

Instead, the wave overtook me. I tumbled off the board, getting my ankle tangled in the leash. A split second after I finally surfaced, the board bounced up and hit me hard on the lip.

Blood ran from my mouth, and angry tears exploded from my eyes. I hurried out of the water and stormed down the beach.

My instructor jogged to catch up with me. "Want to tell me what's going on?" she asked.

"Today was the day that my mom....went to the hospital. When her doctor told us she was going to die," I explained. The flow of tears turned from a trickle to a torrent as the memories from the previous year flashed into my mind: the two weeks between that terrible phone call and my mother's death. The week afterward, trying to pick out a sweater in a department store, feeling like the wind was knocked out of me when I realized I would never be in that store with my mother again.

The instructor pulled me into a hug. "That's why you were having such a hard time surfing today. You were struggling with all of that. And that doesn't work in the water. Because how can you honestly feel the waves if you're fighting with your feelings?"

She let me go and told me to come back when I was ready. I watched surfers in the distance crest a wave at the intersection of sea and sky. I wanted to be one of them -- someone who fell down but could stand up again, who understood that life and its emotions were far more like the troughs and valleys of an untamed ocean than the glassy stillness of an Olympic-size swimming pool.

I reattached the leash to my board and got back in the water. Sometimes I popped up, most of the time I didn't. It would be obvious to anyone that I was having trouble, but I didn't mind. Learning to surf was hard -- why should it look like anything less?

By the end of the session I was exhausted and teary. I let the tears fall. I needed to experience the pain. More importantly, I needed to realize that showing vulnerability wasn't the weakness my mom had taught me it was. While her swim-it-out strategy works for getting over the tiny ripples caused by everyday dramas, sometimes life hits you with an oversize wave that's impossible to ride gracefully. And then it's all right to cry, scream, and seek support. The tumbles and pop-ups of surfing helped me tune in to my emotions and allowed me finally to surface.

Originally published in FITNESS magazine, September 2013.

I cried tears of relief after reading that article, and still do when I re read it. I saved the magazine just for that 1 article.

And the bikini on the cover (I want it).

It shaped up to be a nice day on the coast so I packed up my things and made my way out to Half Moon Bay.

The water was a bit too fast and big for me to handle so I ended up eating it more than I did riding my board but the point was to have fun, and I did.

*yeah... I need to clean my windows*

*I thought this was cute... a Mom, Dad, and child all surfing that day*

<3

It was a good day :)

A birthday at the beach... I can't complain!

*me and my shadow*

Love,

"Jill"

A Tree of Memories

*Look Kids!...*

Dear Joe,

While out at Cost Plus yesterday I picked up 2 ornaments for my tree that I really wasn't expecting to find.

I couldn't help myself. They invoked some funny memories and felt they would be a good addition. 

Know that you are thought of fondly and I wish you the merriest of Christmas's.

Happy Holidays

Love,

"Jill"

*this was the closest to the Travelocity Gnome I could find*

Merry Christmas Eve

Dear Joe,

The above image came across my Facebook feed a few minutes ago and 2 things brought me back to you..
1) The obvious: Darth Vader. But a WHOLE tree dedicated to it and some Star Wars?
Amazeballs (for you)

2) Big Ben on the wall in the background.
That was the one that did it for me. It gave me a big smile :)

Merry Christmas Eve! And I hope you have an excellent holiday.

A 24 Hours of a Christmas Story is on today so I am going to be glued to my TV
*I LOVE this day*

Love,
"Jill"

Divorced Again

Dear Joe,

Tonight I "divorced" my parents. I know you were initially thinking a traditional marriage divorce, anyone would be at the title of this posting.

But No.. I finally divorced my folks. They gave me no choice really.

For years mom has been using the dogs to get what she wants from me, or to "punish" me by not allowing me to see them. Now we are down to only 1 (Shelby) who of course is my favorite so this is going to be the hardest on me yet.

I'm sure I don't need to explain why for the past years as you have witnessed a lot of the bullshit that went on, but tonight I had enough.

I'm done. I'm out.

I don't know if you remember the very loud and obnoxious bird my mom had, I'm not sure she had it when you were around. 

Anyway, it was this cockatiel that was the biggest bastard with feathers that ever lived. True Story.

All it did was scream its head off and bite everyone but her.

I don't like loud noise to begin with, much less constant loud noise, repetitive loud noise... I think you get the picture.

This animal got the squirt bottle so many times its feathers were soaked almost constantly because it wouldn't shut up.

My mom would throw things at the cage, bang on it, and even yell back at the damn thing to quiet down.

She blamed it on the bird being lonely, bored, it needed attention, etc.

Well than give it some attention! Hell no...she would rather just laze around in her bed watching TV in a half catatonic state.

Nothing has changed.

After years of me screaming back at it, getting irritated because I can't hear my own friggen thoughts over the sound of that bird, I came over one day to find that it was gone.

OMG... I wanted to do a damn victory dance SOOO BAD. 

Of course you know had I done that, she would have lost her mind and been a total bitch about it.

She doesn't like to admit that the bird was a giant bastard. NO ONE liked it besides her.

No One.

This was about 1-2 months ago that she gave it to someone else. 

I can't tell you how HAPPY I was when that happened. Now I could visit "Shelby" in peace. 

Up until last night.

When asked what I wanted for Christmas & Birthday I said all I wanted was to spend quality time with "Shelby". Just her and I. 

That is really all I wanted. She is going to be 17 years old in 2 months and her health isn't so great anymore so I am trying to spend as much time with her as I can.

That came to a grinding halt tonight. I knew something was up when mom came in around 9:00PM and said she and Carl were going to be gone for a little bit. I asked what they were doing and she wouldn't answer.

Red Flag right there.

Fast forward 45 minutes later, and I kid you not, the front door wasn't even open yet and what did I hear?

Yes, Screaming... That damn bird is back.

At that point I had enough. Enough to the point that I had to pick "Shelby" up and put her in my parents room, gathered my things (I was supposed to stay there for the holidays), and walked out. 

I couldn't take it anymore.

Carl looked at me puzzled and my mom who was standing at the other end of the hallway with the birds cage asked me where I was going. I said I was going home.

Mind you it is after 10PM at this point.

I shut the door behind me. Couldn't get to the car fast enough. Just as I was getting my last bag into the car, the front door opens up and mom is yelling for me to come talk to her and tell her what is wrong.

I just looked at her and said that she knew why I was leaving. She did.

She asked if it was because of the bird? and I said Yes.

She slammed the door. 

Of course. That is her signature move besides from hanging up the phone on you.

I drove home in tears. 

Tears out of frustration; She should have left that damn animal where it was.

Tears because I feel like I have turned my back on Shelby. I love that dog more than anything, and now I won't be able to see her anymore.

Tears because this ruined both Christmas AND my Birthday. 

This has been a long time coming... it is no surprise. I was just hoping that it would have been after "Shelby" passed away.

Unfortunately as always, I didn't get my way.

I hope one day I get a normal family, and not the supremely fucked up one I was raised with.

Maybe that is what I need to ask "Santa" for this year.

That could be my best idea yet.

I hope your holiday is a hell of a lot better than mine.

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

Love,

"Jill"

Best YouTube Vid Ever

I laugh Every. Single. Time.

You're welcome

Love,
"Jill"

Please, just once...

Dear Joe,

I'm certain in a previous posting somewhere here I had talked about a documentary called "Generation Rx" that I had watched and just cried through.

How I identified on soo many levels with the patients that were still alive to tell their tales, and even those that are no longer.
That thought scares me, but it's true.

While it is very depressing, scary, and sad, it gave me an explanation of what I was going through, what I was feeling, and experiencing in the quest just to feel "Happy". Or what I thought what that should have felt or looked like.

From this movie I have been able to ease up some, though I still do beat myself up for my past while on these drugs. Whether it was beyond my control or not.
I guess I'm a sadist.

I was able to find it on YouTube and would like to take the time out and ask you to Please, just watch it once.
Please try to understand what these drugs can do to people.
What they did to me.

Believe me, there are days (more than not) that I wished that I was one of those "statistics", the ones that didn't make it. I still believe I don't deserve much of anything, let alone to live.

The pain inflicted is a tragic pain that I have been unable to reconcile. But at least there is this documentary...
It let me know that what I went through wasn't an isolated occurrence, that I was actually LUCKY I didn't get much worse.

Thank You Jesus for that!

Anyway, Please watch this movie... Maybe it will make sense to you. Give you answers that I couldn't.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7VHf9e39ilI

Love,
"Jill"

Pink

http://www.thetutuproject.com

Dear Joe,

All I could think of when reading this article... was your idea of the big pink foam finger cheering me on.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/maycie/this-guy-travelled-the-country-in-a-pink-tutu-just-to-make-h

Love,

"Jill"

Road to Change

*courtesy of Word Porn*

yes it is an actual site

Dear Joe,

It has been one scary trip indeed.

Love,

"Jill"

For a good chuckle

Dear Joe,

The below article is a friend of mine's husband who got thrown from his boat in the Emeryville Marina.
This totally beats the pants off of the almost Viking Funeral... Proof that things could have been worse!

Emeryville: Boater rescued after going overboard, vessel keeps on ticking

By Harry Harris Oakland Tribune

POSTED:   12/13/2013 10:16:05 AM PST | UPDATED:   A DAY AGO

Click photo to enlarge

An 8-foot boat that kept circling in the bay after its owner... (Emeryville police Sgt. Fred Dauer)

EMERYVILLE -- A boater was rescued after being tossed into the bay on Friday morning but his unmanned vessel kept circling for about an hour before its voyage was ended, officials said.

The seafaring saga began about 8:35 a.m. when a 47-year-old man in an 8-foot plastic dinghy was tossed into the water a couple of hundred feet offshore in the approach channel to the Emeryville Marina outside the sea wall, authorities said.

Emeryville police Sgt. Fred Dauer said the boater, whose name was not released, had just opened up the craft's throttle when the tiller did a hard jerk, possibly from a wake or submerged piece of wood, causing him to be thrown into the water.

The man, who was wearing a life jacket, was rescued by Emeryville Marina maintenance supervisor Thomas Maloney, who got him into another vessel and brought him back to the marina, where the man docks a sailboat that the dinghy is part of, said Harbor Master Don Gussler.

While the man was ashore being treated by paramedics, the small boat kept going in circles out in the water, Dauer said.

The crewless boat was finally snagged and boarded about an hour later by Alameda County firefighters and Berkeley Marina personnel, who steered it to a dock.

Maloney said the boater was taking the dinghy from Emeryville to the Berkeley Marina.

I thought you would get a giggle out of this.
Hope you are doing well.
Love,
"Jill"

Trying Again

Life taught me, when you put it out there, you got it to lose.

The trick is finding the strength to pick yourself up again, tend to your wounds, and start all over.

Easier said than done, but I think I have a pretty good grasp on my life so it isn't so scary anymore.

Star Wars Exhibit

*This was a Christmas Lawn decoration in my neighborhood this year*

Dear Joe,

Well...I just don't know where to begin with this one.

For an early Birthday gift from my sister, I got tickets to go to the Star Wars Exhibit in San Jose this year.

I am not sure as to why she did that or where she got the idea that I was a huge fan but that was in her mind when she purchased the tickets.

When I opened my card and saw what they were for, immediately I thought of you.

Of course I will go, take loads of pics, and think of you the whole time. 

I really hope that somehow you hear/know about this exhibit and get to see it. It would be a real shame if you didn't.

http://www.thetech.org/plan-your-visit/special-exhibitions/STAR-WARS#Exhibition

There is even a night that is dedicated to people dressing up in Star Wars costumes. Again, totally YOU.

In other news, I was at Costco yesterday and apparently they now have a GIANT Darth Vader Mr. Potato Head that is filled with various mini Star Wars Potato Heads inside. I saw it in a shopping cart and wanted to get one for you.

Some things never change.

I hope you are doing well and I miss you as always.

Love,

"Jill"

I know the pieces fit, 'cause I watched them fall away

Dear Joe,

Initially when I read this my immediate reaction was "that is bullshit". But after really thinking about it, it is absolutely true.

I saw that in myself. I was suffering and taking it out on everyone around me. Not saying it was right, but that is what happened.
Now when I see or experience that from someone else, I am always reminding myself of this very quote.

Love,
"Jill"

Christmas List

The main thing I want this year can't be bought. Time will tell on that