Firsts & Lasts

Dear Joe,

This past weekend had been pretty stressful at work (Read: SLAMMED), and Mom had been just exhausted with having to deal with some of the rather nasty hospital staff where Carl is at, so I booked a table at Salute for an early dinner for the both of us.

Ironically not 5 minutes after I confirmed my reservation, I got an email stating that they would be closing their doors for good on July 6th.

I was saddened to hear that the place that you took me to dinner at for the first time, would no longer be in business.

Yes, I had hope that one day we could revisit the place again and recreate that first night.

*Minus the boat trip*

I never told mom about why I wanted to specifically have dinner there, or the significance it holds for me. But what I did find out is that Salute is also the place that Carl had taken her before years ago for "Dinner by the Bay".

She did not immediately recognize the place, but on the way there I had described it to her from what I could remember (stop laughing *haha*) and she had questioned if it was the same place that Carl had taken her a few times in the past... We both hoped it was.

And it was.

She did not immediately recognize it upon first glance because I believe she said that they had gone there at night so I can understand why it wasn't familiar to her, but as we were leaving, she turned a corner and saw the table she and Carl used to sit at.

So now it holds special memories for the both of us.

For similar and different reasons. But good nonetheless

I grabbed a few photos while I was there.. AND I took her around the "Round-a-bout" but spared her the "European Vacation" experience

*She wouldn't get the reference*

I had the same meal as I always got there: the Lasagna.





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We will be going back later this month and taking Carl's nurse and her husband to dinner here one last time...

Please know that I think of you fondly and wish you were there with me.

Miss you.

Love, "Jill"





Dear Joe,

I subscribed to Ipsy which is a beauty subscription service.

In wanting to try new things, and move a little out of my "comfort zone" with make up, I get a bag that has 5 products that I can give a go with each month.

This months bag just gave me the biggest smile and chuckle when I opened the envelope it was shipped in.

Immediately I thought of National Lampoon's European Vacation's opening credits with all of the Passport Stamps.


Then I saw the little airplane detail on the zipper pull and totally thought of you.


It doesn't take much for you to cross my mind.

Love, "Jill"

Day with Dad



Dear Joe,



  We went and visited Carl today and took the pooch with.

He seemed pretty happy to see all of us and of course the dog. He hadn't been able to hold her for the past 3 months, and it perked him up a bit which was nice to see.

There is a hillside where he can see the deer and various other wildlife that come to graze and hang out, that he watches from his hospital window.

We took him outside to see it in person, I think he thought there would be deer or something out there... no idea.

But I'm sure he was happy just to get out of the building.

His speech is slowly improving, but he still gets pretty frustrated and from what I have been told, there are days more often than not that he just gives up and doesn't try to talk at all.

A large part of trying to understand his communication is a guessing game for which on a good day is 50/50 but mostly its been 40/60.

You can see the irritation and frustration in his face, so he just gives up.

We keep trying to explain to him that if he continues to do that, along with giving up on everything else (such as physical therapy), it will prolong his ability to come home.

Every day is a struggle... some more than others but I am pleasantly surprised that mom has made a valiant effort to be with him just about every single day, barring her own doctors appointments and other things that are on a schedule.

Honestly, I am shocked as I have always viewed her as a predominantly selfish individual.

*I wonder where I got that from*

I will say that as a result of Carl's stroke, she has changed A LOT.

While she is still HER, and still has her moments of immaturity and selfishness.. She has had to now stand on her own two feet and realized that no one else would coddle her like my dad so it was like she had to grow up (again) fast.

I wasn't going to fill my dads role in enabling her behavior and there is not a lot that I CAN do for them.

I dog-sit when she is at the hospital, I take care of the dogs vaccinations, medications, etc... , do their laundry (they had to move to another place. Another long story there), and I am now taking her weekly for B Complex injections that I also get and feel amazing after.

I had a discussion with her the other day while out running errands to where I felt comfortable telling her my views on everything that has happened; and I warned her that more than likely she would NOT like what I had to say but she wanted to hear my opinions.... OKAY

My opinion was that even though throughout my dads life he kind of beat his body to shit... He didn't drink any water that was not filtered by French Roast coffee beans, he followed a dietary regimen fit for a T-Rex (mainly red meats), and has been on pharmaceuticals most of his life that leeched out calcium from his bones, not to mention the stress he has been going through at work AND at home; that in addition to that lifestyle that possibly him having a stroke was the only way that my mom would stop acting like a child.
That this was a surefire way for her to STOP and SEE what she may have had a hand in contributing to by acting like she has in the past... I could be wrong but that is what I would and did take away from it.

To start being independent again . Like she did before she ever met him.

I told her that in my opinion, their relationship is severely codependent for which she wholeheartedly agreed. *Insert shocked facial expression here*

I was waiting for the emotional backlash, but so far it has not come.

I didn't mean for any of what I said to come out malicious, it has been how I have felt for years but really it was none of my business as it seemed that her and Carl were very happy in their relationship as it was.

It seemed as she understood, and it felt good to finally get to tell her how I felt.

The vibe and priorities have obviously changed in our lives; in a really screwed up way it feels like a backwards blessing.

I would never have chosen for things to end up this way, much less have Carl be the one who had to suffer such a devastating life altering event...

Its taken me this long to really talk about it to anyone. Much less put it in print.

Anyway, that's the scoop so far.

I hope you are doing well.

Love, "Jill"



 

Today I felt like screaming

Love, "Jill"

Nightmares and Dreamscapes

Dear Joe,

Interestingly enough I rarely dream about people that are/were a part of my life, mostly its people that I do not know, never seen before, or people without faces.... its weird lol

Last night for the first time in a LONG time I had a dream about you, but this time I actually saw you, saw your face, you were standing next to me.

Initially I was in a kitchen in a house I assume that was yours and there was a letter on the table for me to read.

I opened it and read it, I do remember actually reading your words that said something to the effect that you had moved on, you were in a relationship that you worked hard to get, and that you were happy.

In my dream I didn't really react which was strange to me, and then when I went to leave the kitchen, you came out of nowhere with a huge smile on your face and tears in your eyes... I was confused.

Then your mom appeared and said Hello then introduced me to her new husband who in the dream was very lovely to me.

I didn't know what to make of it all. I just stood there totally confused.

Then a second later you and I are standing in a horse arena watching the gelding that I ride, run around.

Again, you were all smiles and joking with me... then you gave me a hug which I swore I felt in real life, and that is when I woke up.

It was all too realistic, yet it made NO SENSE.

Thinking back, I wish I could have stayed asleep so that I could have spent more time with you.

Maybe it will happen again.

This time I hope I speak up.

Love, "Jill"

Major Changes

Dear Joe,


Lots of changes have happened since I last wrote here.


The worst of it all is that Carl sustained a major stroke on January 3rd., had surgery to remove the clot on his brain, and will most likely be wheelchair bound for the rest of his life.


I know you both enjoyed each others company, and I damn near tried to contact you to tell you what happened... but what would that have accomplished? So I left it alone.


So I'm leaving it here.


Carl is and has been currently living in an Acute Care Facility which he is not happy about, can barely talk, has to learn how to swallow and move his arm & leg again.


He is paralyzed (at this time) on one side of his body, not to mention he lost a ton of weight so he looks like a Holocaust victim.


Its incredibly hard for me to write this without getting overly emotional, so I am going to stop here.


I wanted to let you know what happened to him... he liked you a lot.


Love, "Jill"