Day with Dad



Dear Joe,



  We went and visited Carl today and took the pooch with.

He seemed pretty happy to see all of us and of course the dog. He hadn't been able to hold her for the past 3 months, and it perked him up a bit which was nice to see.

There is a hillside where he can see the deer and various other wildlife that come to graze and hang out, that he watches from his hospital window.

We took him outside to see it in person, I think he thought there would be deer or something out there... no idea.

But I'm sure he was happy just to get out of the building.

His speech is slowly improving, but he still gets pretty frustrated and from what I have been told, there are days more often than not that he just gives up and doesn't try to talk at all.

A large part of trying to understand his communication is a guessing game for which on a good day is 50/50 but mostly its been 40/60.

You can see the irritation and frustration in his face, so he just gives up.

We keep trying to explain to him that if he continues to do that, along with giving up on everything else (such as physical therapy), it will prolong his ability to come home.

Every day is a struggle... some more than others but I am pleasantly surprised that mom has made a valiant effort to be with him just about every single day, barring her own doctors appointments and other things that are on a schedule.

Honestly, I am shocked as I have always viewed her as a predominantly selfish individual.

*I wonder where I got that from*

I will say that as a result of Carl's stroke, she has changed A LOT.

While she is still HER, and still has her moments of immaturity and selfishness.. She has had to now stand on her own two feet and realized that no one else would coddle her like my dad so it was like she had to grow up (again) fast.

I wasn't going to fill my dads role in enabling her behavior and there is not a lot that I CAN do for them.

I dog-sit when she is at the hospital, I take care of the dogs vaccinations, medications, etc... , do their laundry (they had to move to another place. Another long story there), and I am now taking her weekly for B Complex injections that I also get and feel amazing after.

I had a discussion with her the other day while out running errands to where I felt comfortable telling her my views on everything that has happened; and I warned her that more than likely she would NOT like what I had to say but she wanted to hear my opinions.... OKAY

My opinion was that even though throughout my dads life he kind of beat his body to shit... He didn't drink any water that was not filtered by French Roast coffee beans, he followed a dietary regimen fit for a T-Rex (mainly red meats), and has been on pharmaceuticals most of his life that leeched out calcium from his bones, not to mention the stress he has been going through at work AND at home; that in addition to that lifestyle that possibly him having a stroke was the only way that my mom would stop acting like a child.
That this was a surefire way for her to STOP and SEE what she may have had a hand in contributing to by acting like she has in the past... I could be wrong but that is what I would and did take away from it.

To start being independent again . Like she did before she ever met him.

I told her that in my opinion, their relationship is severely codependent for which she wholeheartedly agreed. *Insert shocked facial expression here*

I was waiting for the emotional backlash, but so far it has not come.

I didn't mean for any of what I said to come out malicious, it has been how I have felt for years but really it was none of my business as it seemed that her and Carl were very happy in their relationship as it was.

It seemed as she understood, and it felt good to finally get to tell her how I felt.

The vibe and priorities have obviously changed in our lives; in a really screwed up way it feels like a backwards blessing.

I would never have chosen for things to end up this way, much less have Carl be the one who had to suffer such a devastating life altering event...

Its taken me this long to really talk about it to anyone. Much less put it in print.

Anyway, that's the scoop so far.

I hope you are doing well.

Love, "Jill"