Mother Effing Monday

After an epically bad day at work today (full of me complaining non stop to myself), I found out at the end of my shift that one of my coworkers experienced a death in his family.

An apparent suicide. His baby brother took his own life by putting a gun to his head and ending his life as we knew it.

Well OK... he wins the "Shittiest Day Award" today.
Concerned and worried for my coworker, I made my way over to the Hallmark store for a sympathy card and some stationery.

This is where it got good.
*Sarcasm*

After driving myself nuts trying to find just the right card, I was in need of some stationery too. I need to write someone who made an incredible impact in my life a very heartfelt letter filled with some pretty important shit. So this was important to me that I get something nice to write it on.

You don't email what I need to convey and it really meansomething.

Here is the ridiculous exchange between myself and the Assistant Store Manager at Hallmark

Me: Excuse me, where can I find stationery?

Clerk: When you say Stationery.... what are you referring to?

Me: *dies a little inside* Like "Pretty Paper" to write on.

Clerk: We don't carry that here.

Me: *Completely Dumbfounded*
Hallmark.... Seriously?!

After all that, I decided on some really nice blank note cards. I couldn't take it anymore.
Pretty paper to write on.
and a stationery store that doesn't carry that... What is the world coming to??


And it wasn't like the manager was a teenager who, lets face it, paper to them are what dinosaurs are to us with all this technology.
She looked to be old enough to have survived throughout the "Carrier Pigeon" days if you know what I'm sayin...


As I am walking out of the store giggling out of frustration, my friend who was on the other end of the phone hearing this whole mind numbing conversation told me to channel "Kwan Yin".


For those that aren't familiar with who that is, she is the Asian equivalent of the Virgin Mary.




I told her I'd rather channel Bruce Lee.

I hope you are doing well and I think of you always.

Love,
"Jill"

Ninja Shower

I love this so much

::dies::

Miss you.

Love,

"Jill"

What will they think of next?

Dear Joe,

It has been over a week and I am still not over the loss of my friend Eddy. His funeral was yesterday and it was beautiful.
I have never seen a service where everyone was to wear all white, it serves to symbolically "lift" the spirit/soul of the deceased up to heaven, where dark colors are believed to drag it down.

Interesting tradition.

His partner had made a video compilation of Eddy's life where I was completely caught off guard with seeing the one photo that Eddy took of he and I last year. I never got the photo from him after it was taken, though in the days after his death, I thought about it a lot.

I was grateful that Clayton had added it into the video. And I am waiting for things to calm down, and will ask to have a copy of that photo sent to me.

However.... there has been one thing that no matter how bad of a day I am having, this youtube commercial always gets me laughing.
And Dear God, it IS an actual product.

I wonder exactly how many takes they went through before they got it just right.
Though if you look closely, the "boyfriend" in the commercial is about to lose it.
It's amazing.

I hope you are well.

Love,
"Jill"

My 2 Cents

Dear Joe,

I found this photo in my Facebook feed recently and had to blog about it....

This photos message bothers me greatly and I will tell you why.

I have put every broken piece of my life back together myself. It is something a person has to do
themselves. Cant rely on someone to come and save your life.

You have to be strong for yourself.
Be your own hero.

In this process, you learn so much about yourself, especially how strong you really are.

Because "Damsel in Distress" is so 1950. Unless you are a Disney Princess, you don't need someone to put you back together.
And if you do, you have much bigger problems.


Just my 2 cents.

Just for the record... Alice wasn't a "Princess".

Maybe that is why I liked her so much.

Love,

"Jill"

On the Road to Recovery

Oh the wonderful world of the Internet.
There are no limits to what it can bring you while you are wracked by the plague, bedridden, and bored to insanity.

It's really sad to me that after five minutes of reading the front page on "Yahoo News" that I want to pack up and leave the planet...
Anyway, I pretty much stuck to YouTube and Facebook all weekend, with the exception of text messages from friends checking up on me; trying to cheer me up.

I love my friends :)

One even had pizza and Chicken Soup delivered to my house.
Chicken Soup delivered? Where was I when this option had become available?
Sick in bed I am going to assume. One of my coworkers dropped off my favorite vitamin c tablets and some NyQuil on my front porch. He didn't want to ring the door bell for fear I would answer and get him sick too.
Can't blame him there... I feel like death.

YouTube... Wow. There is no limits to what people post there. My "ignorance cherry" has been officially popped thanks to the people of America (mostly).

This weekend I learned about Drug Cartel's, Prostitution, Brothel Houses, Attachment Parenting (I have all sorts of issues with this one), smokey eye make up application, Natural Cancer treatments, Doctor Assisted Suicide, and a ton of Documentaries (my favorite).

I'd like to blame on being on the verge of dying, but I don't think YouTube is the "white light" one sees before their final hour. If it is, I am going to be very concerned and disappointed.
I will site severe boredom and leave it at that.

Of course there is always the obligatory Facebook posts that brought me hours of amusement in between coughing, sneezing, vomiting, and sleeping.

This... a mixture of complete stupidity, ingeniousness, and just tragedy.
IMO

However, the very end is pretty funny ;)

http://www.interestingfunfacts.com/how-close-to-a-train-track-can-you-set-up-a-vegetable-market.html?h=1

I am happy to report I am on the road to recovery, that I don't feel quite as debilitated as I did a few days ago or even yesterday.
At least I know should I become a permanently ill recluse, I have hours upon hours of YouTube videos to occupy my days/nights with.

That statement almost scares me.

Strange Confessions

Dear Joe,

Lately I have had a major affinity for the latest craze of "Pet Shaming".

I am kind of saddened that I can't seem to catch "Shelby"  in the act of something I could publicly "shame" her for and join the crowd.


Could be her "militant upbringing" that prevents her from such behavior, or the fact she's just too old now to misbehave.


Maybe one of my goldfish will be big enough jerks to be published.


http://distractify.com/fun/fails/dogs-who-are-shamelessly-proud-of-what-they-just-did/

http://thelaughhouse.net/20-hilarious-pet-shaming-signs/

Should something epic happen... I will let you know!

Love,

"Jill"

For the Love of Sarcasm

Cracked.com totally gets me... and so does one of it's writers S. Tran


I have spent the last 2 hours in stitches laughing over this man's writing style. He gives me so much to aim for in my own writing and speech.


Ironically a few friends of mine have asked if I was a "ghost writer" for this website as well as The Onion
*another one of my favorite sites*


So I guess I should feel flattered and quite honored that someone would think that I had the talent and humor to convey my stories in this way.


http://www.cracked.com/article_17573_7-fatal-injuries-that-people-somehow-survived.html/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=fanpage&utm_campaign=new+article&wa_ibsrc=fanpage


Wouldn't be the first time someone told me I was funny as hell ;)
And for those that can't appreciate Sarcasm.... I feel sorry for them.

Though lately I just cannot tap into my "inner smart ass". It's annoying really. With all this vomiting and sleeping I'm doing, I have no time for the witty repartee' I am accustomed to.
*Mourns*


It feels like I've lost an appendage :(

Love,

"Jill"