Mother Effing Monday

After an epically bad day at work today (full of me complaining non stop to myself), I found out at the end of my shift that one of my coworkers experienced a death in his family.

An apparent suicide. His baby brother took his own life by putting a gun to his head and ending his life as we knew it.

Well OK... he wins the "Shittiest Day Award" today.
Concerned and worried for my coworker, I made my way over to the Hallmark store for a sympathy card and some stationery.

This is where it got good.
*Sarcasm*

After driving myself nuts trying to find just the right card, I was in need of some stationery too. I need to write someone who made an incredible impact in my life a very heartfelt letter filled with some pretty important shit. So this was important to me that I get something nice to write it on.

You don't email what I need to convey and it really meansomething.

Here is the ridiculous exchange between myself and the Assistant Store Manager at Hallmark

Me: Excuse me, where can I find stationery?

Clerk: When you say Stationery.... what are you referring to?

Me: *dies a little inside* Like "Pretty Paper" to write on.

Clerk: We don't carry that here.

Me: *Completely Dumbfounded*
Hallmark.... Seriously?!

After all that, I decided on some really nice blank note cards. I couldn't take it anymore.
Pretty paper to write on.
and a stationery store that doesn't carry that... What is the world coming to??


And it wasn't like the manager was a teenager who, lets face it, paper to them are what dinosaurs are to us with all this technology.
She looked to be old enough to have survived throughout the "Carrier Pigeon" days if you know what I'm sayin...


As I am walking out of the store giggling out of frustration, my friend who was on the other end of the phone hearing this whole mind numbing conversation told me to channel "Kwan Yin".


For those that aren't familiar with who that is, she is the Asian equivalent of the Virgin Mary.




I told her I'd rather channel Bruce Lee.

I hope you are doing well and I think of you always.

Love,
"Jill"

Ninja Shower

I love this so much

::dies::

Miss you.

Love,

"Jill"

What will they think of next?

Dear Joe,

It has been over a week and I am still not over the loss of my friend Eddy. His funeral was yesterday and it was beautiful.
I have never seen a service where everyone was to wear all white, it serves to symbolically "lift" the spirit/soul of the deceased up to heaven, where dark colors are believed to drag it down.

Interesting tradition.

His partner had made a video compilation of Eddy's life where I was completely caught off guard with seeing the one photo that Eddy took of he and I last year. I never got the photo from him after it was taken, though in the days after his death, I thought about it a lot.

I was grateful that Clayton had added it into the video. And I am waiting for things to calm down, and will ask to have a copy of that photo sent to me.

However.... there has been one thing that no matter how bad of a day I am having, this youtube commercial always gets me laughing.
And Dear God, it IS an actual product.

I wonder exactly how many takes they went through before they got it just right.
Though if you look closely, the "boyfriend" in the commercial is about to lose it.
It's amazing.

I hope you are well.

Love,
"Jill"

My 2 Cents

Dear Joe,

I found this photo in my Facebook feed recently and had to blog about it....

This photos message bothers me greatly and I will tell you why.

I have put every broken piece of my life back together myself. It is something a person has to do
themselves. Cant rely on someone to come and save your life.

You have to be strong for yourself.
Be your own hero.

In this process, you learn so much about yourself, especially how strong you really are.

Because "Damsel in Distress" is so 1950. Unless you are a Disney Princess, you don't need someone to put you back together.
And if you do, you have much bigger problems.


Just my 2 cents.

Just for the record... Alice wasn't a "Princess".

Maybe that is why I liked her so much.

Love,

"Jill"

On the Road to Recovery

Oh the wonderful world of the Internet.
There are no limits to what it can bring you while you are wracked by the plague, bedridden, and bored to insanity.

It's really sad to me that after five minutes of reading the front page on "Yahoo News" that I want to pack up and leave the planet...
Anyway, I pretty much stuck to YouTube and Facebook all weekend, with the exception of text messages from friends checking up on me; trying to cheer me up.

I love my friends :)

One even had pizza and Chicken Soup delivered to my house.
Chicken Soup delivered? Where was I when this option had become available?
Sick in bed I am going to assume. One of my coworkers dropped off my favorite vitamin c tablets and some NyQuil on my front porch. He didn't want to ring the door bell for fear I would answer and get him sick too.
Can't blame him there... I feel like death.

YouTube... Wow. There is no limits to what people post there. My "ignorance cherry" has been officially popped thanks to the people of America (mostly).

This weekend I learned about Drug Cartel's, Prostitution, Brothel Houses, Attachment Parenting (I have all sorts of issues with this one), smokey eye make up application, Natural Cancer treatments, Doctor Assisted Suicide, and a ton of Documentaries (my favorite).

I'd like to blame on being on the verge of dying, but I don't think YouTube is the "white light" one sees before their final hour. If it is, I am going to be very concerned and disappointed.
I will site severe boredom and leave it at that.

Of course there is always the obligatory Facebook posts that brought me hours of amusement in between coughing, sneezing, vomiting, and sleeping.

This... a mixture of complete stupidity, ingeniousness, and just tragedy.
IMO

However, the very end is pretty funny ;)

http://www.interestingfunfacts.com/how-close-to-a-train-track-can-you-set-up-a-vegetable-market.html?h=1

I am happy to report I am on the road to recovery, that I don't feel quite as debilitated as I did a few days ago or even yesterday.
At least I know should I become a permanently ill recluse, I have hours upon hours of YouTube videos to occupy my days/nights with.

That statement almost scares me.

Strange Confessions

Dear Joe,

Lately I have had a major affinity for the latest craze of "Pet Shaming".

I am kind of saddened that I can't seem to catch "Shelby"  in the act of something I could publicly "shame" her for and join the crowd.


Could be her "militant upbringing" that prevents her from such behavior, or the fact she's just too old now to misbehave.


Maybe one of my goldfish will be big enough jerks to be published.


http://distractify.com/fun/fails/dogs-who-are-shamelessly-proud-of-what-they-just-did/

http://thelaughhouse.net/20-hilarious-pet-shaming-signs/

Should something epic happen... I will let you know!

Love,

"Jill"

For the Love of Sarcasm

Cracked.com totally gets me... and so does one of it's writers S. Tran


I have spent the last 2 hours in stitches laughing over this man's writing style. He gives me so much to aim for in my own writing and speech.


Ironically a few friends of mine have asked if I was a "ghost writer" for this website as well as The Onion
*another one of my favorite sites*


So I guess I should feel flattered and quite honored that someone would think that I had the talent and humor to convey my stories in this way.


http://www.cracked.com/article_17573_7-fatal-injuries-that-people-somehow-survived.html/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=fanpage&utm_campaign=new+article&wa_ibsrc=fanpage


Wouldn't be the first time someone told me I was funny as hell ;)
And for those that can't appreciate Sarcasm.... I feel sorry for them.

Though lately I just cannot tap into my "inner smart ass". It's annoying really. With all this vomiting and sleeping I'm doing, I have no time for the witty repartee' I am accustomed to.
*Mourns*


It feels like I've lost an appendage :(

Love,

"Jill"

Party Pooper

Well OK... Not only is it freakin WINDY here in Raleigh, apparently there is a statewide toilet paper shortage.

Thank goodness I have some real snazzy tissues in my purse to save me from certain embarrassment.

Though it did feel a tad strange knowing I was wiping myself with the Queen's face.

Yeah...

However, the more priceless move on my part was using my $100.00 bill tissues to blow my nose into, then of course disposing of said tissue into the trash.

Enter the next person waiting in line to use the latrine. 

About 10 minutes later I hear the aftermath of the result of someone who grabbed my "snot rag" thinking it was actual currency.

Guess I should have flushed that too. Oops. My bad.

On the other hand, if the toilet in convention hall could talk, I doubt it would have anything nice to say at this juncture.

*yep... still sick*

I don't know why but this ordeal reminded me of this little diddy that was posted on YouTube a while back that makes me laugh Every. Single. Time.

I hope you are doing well.

I on the other hand, am being ravished by a virus.

And want to die. Still.

Love,

"Jill"

Learning

I've learned not everyone wants prayers, etc. either - some want merely a hand clasping theirs...


Personally I would love for someone to hold my hair back while I get sick.
Yes... that is STILL going on

I miss you stroking my hair when I didn't feel well.

Now I'm trying to keep it from hanging in the toilet while I get sick.

Still wanting to die.

Still missing you.

Love,

"Jill"

Flying the Unfriendly Skies

Leaving on a Jet Plane...

Well not really. More like a 747 headed to one of the World's largest Research Parks: Research Park Triangle.

Strange name if you ask me.

Their roster of research companies is quite impressive actually. And I along with my former boss (circa 2001) asked if I would accompany her to give a presentation of a compound we worked on for 3.5 years at our now defunct company.
I co-authored a paper that we presented at the Society of Neurscience in 2004 where we ALMOST got to filing an IND (Investigational New Drug) but our CEO & CFO misappropriated the company's funds so the business went under.

Bastards

Yay for 2 reasons: I get to see my old boss who to me is the closest to GOD I will ever get. She was really the one person who mentored me the most and pushed me towards higher goals.
The other is getting to go on a trip!

The craptastic side?.... I'm still sick to my stomach. I still want to die. And I just might.
Has anyone aside from a chronic bulimia patient ever died from vomiting to death?
How is it I dont know the answer to that

Tonight we are on a Red Eye flight outta here for a couple of  days... Coming back home at 4am.
Who books these flights?!.... I am going to be a wreck.

If anyone out there could offer up a prayer of healing for me to get through this trip without getting sick in front of my peers, I would be SO Grateful.
Or at the very least hold my hair back while I do my thing...

Love,
"Jill"

Unexpected Loss

Dear Joe,

I lost a good friend tonight. He was just 38 years old. He left behind his partner, his parents, and 2 cats.
I am numb and in a state of complete shock.

I JUST SAW him. He seemed totally fine. I know that these kinds of things happen... but it's never been someone I knew. Never that sudden.

Apparently he has a family history of Heart Attacks on his fathers side of the family; which is what took his life earlier today. It was truly sad seeing the status update from his partner Clay for prayers, as they were at the hospital trying to figure out what was happening to Eddie.

Sadly, Eddie didn't make it.

His mother was kind enough to post a status update on Facebook letting us know that her son passed away from a massive heart attack.
I and a few hundred (no exaggeration there) others are in a total state of shock, grief, and disbelief.

The real tragedy aside from his young age, is that his mother outlived him.
Seeing as I have witnessed my Grandmother having to bury some of her own children, I can only imagine what Eddy's mom is going through.

My heart just hurts for her.

I don't know why I am sharing this... Maybe I just need an outlet other than talking on the phone. I have done enough of that tonight, and I would be surprised if I have a voice left in the morning.
From all the crying and phone calls, I should be quite hoarse by now.

I never did do well with loss.
Looks like some things never change.


I hope you are doing well. And that good health finds you.

Love Always,
"Jill"

Hearts

We were given: Two hands to hold. To legs to walk. Two eyes to see. Two ears to listen. But why only one heart? Because the other was given to someone else. For us to find.

I'm glad you found mine.
I'm sad I didn't appreciate it.

I miss you always.

Love,

"Jill"

Death Becomes Her

Holy Crap I want to die.... I feel like week old Road Kill.

It is past midnight and I have not had any sleep. Between the constant sneezing and coughing, it would be impossible.

Damn plague spreaders. I happen to get REALLY irritable and cranky when I am sick. I could literally break a few laws right now and feel no remorse. That is how pissed I am.
I HATE being sick.

My floor has a protective coating of tissues from all the sneezing, gallons of Gatorade to prevent dehydration for which I am highly susceptible, and a plethora of cough & cold medications.

My room may need to be treated like a BSL 4 containment area and burned down. Seriously.

Tomorrow at work ought to be interesting. I'm actually quite nervous as I am scheduled to do the closing surgeries while feeling like crap. I may have to have someone else do it. Which will piss me off of course.
I adore my OR time.

All of this could have been avoided if someone (Boss *cough* Boss) didn't come into work while she was sick.
Yes, I am going to hold a grudge for a while... She is a vector of disease and should be treated as such.
I could go on... and get a whole lot meaner, so I will stop right here.

I need sleep.... I need something to knock my ass OUT like NOW.
And I have 2 parties to go to tomorrow. Of course I will have to cancel on one of them and make a short appearance to the other (Birthday). Not looking forward to this :(

TGIF... though this weekend I suspect will be chalk filled with more of the same :/
I just want to die now.

Love,
"Jill"

L'Amour

I knew I loved this language for a reason <3

Joy

I bring you.... Joy.

Don't get excited. It's not a lot of Joy.

In fact, it's non ultra Joy...

It's only Wednesday people.

This Day

Dear Joe,

This painting of C3PO was my favorite. I don't know why but I think it was the innocent quizzical look on his face that did it for me.

Random I know.

Just had to share.

Love, 

"Jill"

An Open Letter to Starbucks

Dear Starbucks,

How dare you.

How dare you make a drink that I just cannot function without on a daily basis.
Seriously, I think its a conspiracy. I am convinced y'all add addictive chemicals to your coffee drinks so that we consumers CRAVE them on epic levels for a fortnight.

I have consumed so much caffeine, that I literally vibrate and see noises.
WTF?

This can't be legal, yet it is.

How dare you seemingly posses my car.
Bastards.

It appears that it has the innate ability to not only find you, but also drives itself into the parking lot where inevitably I get a prime spot and have no other choice but to give into temptation for another cup of your deliciousness.
*You already control my mind. Yet you don't stop there do you?...Of course not!*
Greedy SOB's


HOW DARE YOU interrupt my joy while shopping at Barnes and Noble.

It's bad enough you dominate almost every street corner, grocery store, shopping mall... But Barnes and Noble?
Have you no mercy?

Seriously... Just stop. I can't handle much more. I am already on my 2nd cup and it is only 7:43 am.

*currently "cuddling" my coffee*



Your Salted Caramel Mocha is the work of the Devil.
The yummy yummy Devil.

I will need a team of Priests to exorcise this "coffee demon" out of me.
I hate you Starbucks. I really do.

I'll be back in a few hours.

Sincerely,
Me

I figured you would get a kick out of my *rant* today.

Had to share.

Makes you want Starbucks now doesn't it? ;)

Love,

"Jill"

*salted caramel mocha*

PROOF God Loves Me

Resolutions

Little Surprises

Dear Joe,

While taking a Belly Dancing class (I know..)  with a friend of mine I found within the shop this little necklace for which I had to chuckle and take a photo. 

Of course, I was asked about my reaction to where I told the story of that fated evening once more. Everyone got a kick out of it. Though that is not something I wish to recreate ever again. LOL

A friend of mine keeps on trying to get me to come for dinner on his boat out in Emeryville and I keep refusing. His wife tries to bribe me with all sorts of yummy food but I won't go... I think I'm slightly scarred for life?

I'll probably cave at some point but this is also the very same person who got thrown from his boat in the bay (covered in an earlier blog post) so I think this is the source of the deterrent at this point.

Guess I will need to face that fear sooner or later.

I'd like to bank on later.... Much later.

Though should it be offered to dress like a pirate (this is the reason they live on a boat... Dont ask), I might have to show up. 

With a parrot hahaha!

On an unrelated note....

Check this out! These are my own nails. Usually I would be in the nail salon every 2 weeks but since I am no longer stressing out to the point of chewing my nails to the knuckle, they finally grew out.

Stupid to get so dang excited over something so basic as this, but I knew you would understand why this was kind of a big deal to me.

It gets to the point that I am frequently having to cut my nails because they get long quickly. 

It is a trip!

Ok Random outbursts are over.

Hope you are doing well and Happy 2014!

Love,

"Jill"

Rock Bottom?